Why Not Us?

2012 Oscar Nominations: Day One

2012-01-24T11:36:00.003-05:00

Dear Phil,

It's Oscar Day! The nominations are in. Let's discuss...

I will say that my pre-nomination prep was not as awesome this year as it was last year, but I've got a stack of AMC gift certificates, and there's no time like the present to start making up ground...

Best Picture thoughts:

The Artist -- The future winner! Alright, so I'm biased. Sue me.

War Horse -- Listen Stephen Spielberg, I enjoy you. I do. But the thing is, I've already seen this totally derivative, slow moving, horse drama on the Broadway stage, and as far as I know, your movie does not have the awesome horse puppets, so I'm not sure it's necessarily for me. Also, am I the only one who just feels like it would be better if Ralph Fiennes was a part of this somehow? That said, I don't want to underestimate you. I'm willing to give it a shot at a movie theater near me sometime soon.

The Descendants -- I think I'd be a little more excited about this movie if two unfortunate things didn't keep getting in the way of my excitement. 1) Is it possible that Alexander Payne is a bit of a horse's ass? (No offense to the cast of War Horse). Whenever he's speaking, it seems like what he's really saying is, "I despise you all." 2) Whenever I see Shailene Woodley, all I can feel is residual anger over the fact that The Secret Life of the American Teenager is a thing that exists.

Moneyball -- The thing is, I really enjoyed this movie while I was watching it, but in the interim between then and the moment when its name was called as a Best Picture nominee I kind of forgot about it. It just didn't stay with me in the way that other movies this year have. I'm not saying it wasn't a good movie, but I don't think there's any chance it can win, and if that's the case, does it really deserve a nomination? In a perfect world, wouldn't each and every film on the Oscar roll call have at least some shot at the title? I'm just saying.

Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close --

via the Daily Beast

Despite my anticipation of this movie prior to its release, I have to say I was surprised to hear it called, largely because the most frequently used adjective in most of the reviews I've read is "manipulative." Not a stellar recommendation. However, I've decided to reserve judgment until I actually see it. After all, Stephen Daldry has brought so many good things into my life (namely, Billy Elliot and The Reader).

The Tree of Life -- Can I just be honest for a second? I really have no desire to see this movie. Every time I try to work up some enthusiasm for it, it peters out within moments. Terrence Malick is kind of like a high school boyfriend who was right for me at one time (Badlands), but over the years we've grown apart until we're no longer really relevant in each other's lives. But whatever, don't think this means I'm wavering in my commitment to my Oscar Gauntlet flow chart. Because I am not. Tree of Life, here I come.

The Help -- I think we all know how I feel about this movie so there's no real need to harp on my general annoyance with the nomination. I've come to think of this slot on the Best Picture roster as The Blind Side Hall of Fame. In fairness, I'm okay with the acting nods, although Jessica Chastain may be a bit of a stretch. I like her just fine, but can you really tell me no other actress gave a better, more nuanced supporting performance in a movie this year? Exactly.

That said, I love love love Viola Davis...

And frankly, I think she may have been robbed of an Oscar for her performance in Doubt (although, tough call! Penelope Cruz was so good in Vicky Christina Barcelona!), so if this is what the Academy needs to do to recognize her for consistently amazing performances, then so be it.

Hugo -- What is it about Jude Law's impossibly charming presence in a movie trailer that makes me forget not only his questionable personal behavior, but also my pervasive hatred of 3D technology? Let's do this, Martin Scorsese. I'm on board.

Midnight in Paris -- This movie was fun, no? I'm completely content with it's place on the nomination list. Here's hoping Marion Cotillard shows up on Oscar night wearing something like this...

Happy watching, friends. See you on Oscar night.

xo,
Lindy

Previously: 2011 Oscar Nominations: Day One
Oscar Prep 2012: Best Picture Edition
Academy Awards Debrief 2011
Academy Awards Debrief 2010

Breaking Dawn Part 1: Worst Movie Ever? Let's Take a Vote.

2011-11-18T16:12:00.002-05:00

Dear Phil,

Let me just start by saying this: I have seen a lot of movies. I've probably spent 7-8% of the time I've been alive watching movies both good and bad. Having said that, Breaking Dawn Part 1 might be the worst movie I have ever seen. There's a possibility it isn't -- I mean I have seen some pretty terrible stuff -- but, at this moment, I can't actually think of a single film I have seen that's worse than the two hours that director Bill Condon and screenwriter Melissa Rosenberg just put me through.

Two actual thoughts that occurred to me as the end credits were rolling that I never ever imagined having:

Who would've dreamed that Catherine Hardwicke could be de-throned as the worst of the Twilight directors?
Stephanie Meyer's plot is starting to seem weirdly well-crafted.

Obviously, I don't want to overstate things, and this is not to say that the extensive hating I've done at the expense of both S. Meyer and C. Hardwicke was not totally justified, it's just that BDP1 was so terrible that by comparison the consternation that the aforementioned ladies have caused me is looking downright benign.

Here's the transcript of a conversation I just had with Shannon via gchat:

Shannon: How was it?
Me: On a scale from one to ten, what are your expectations of how bad this movie is? (ten being the likelihood that it's the next Roman Holiday, and one being the possibility that you'd rather eat one of your own fingers for sustenance).
Shannon: 6?
Me: You need to lower them.

Let's start with the positive (such as it is):

First of all, Billy Burke may have carried this entire movie on his back with only about thirty combined seconds of screen time....

He's perhaps the only actor in the whole franchise who's been consistently great throughout all four movies. I'm not kidding, I'm considering a grass roots campaign urging Lionsgate to make a Twilight prequel about Charlie Swan's days in the Police Academy.

Second, despite the fact that pretty much everything about this movie is a disaster, I don't actually think any part of that failure is the fault of RPatz...

Obviously, I've never been a great fan/supporter of his, however, in this movie I thought he did a decent job communicating some measure of pathos and emotion given what he had to work with (i.e. perhaps the worst direction/script I have ever seen). Actually, set against the generally terrible backdrop of BDP1, Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattison actually came off strangely competent and believable.

There were moments when despite the absurdly clunky scenes and laughable dialogue, these two actors managed to hit on something genuine and semi-touching -- a feat that in this movie could only have been brought about through sheer professionalism and dedication to the craft. So, you know, thanks for the effort guys. It was needed.

Sidenote: how much money do you think the Stewart-Patz-Lautner twifecta has made from this franchise? Is it enough to buy their own island and live in a strange ménage-á-marriage for the rest of their days? One can only hope.

Now, the bad...

It's hard to know where to begin really -- the unintentionally comedic dream sequences? The weird 1970's graphic overlays? The glacial plot pace and my mind-numbing boredom? To narrow it down, I'm going to limit my grievances to three questions...

1. Continuity Editor: was there one? Discuss...

Let's call a spade a spade: this movie is fans-only. It was not made for those who are not already avid followers of the franchise -- there's little to no backstory or recap of previous events for the benefit of the first time film goer. Prior knowledge is assumed and required. Having established this, there is NO EXCUSE for neglecting glaringly obvious plot details from the story. There are literally countless examples I could list. Here are two:

Bella: "[the baby's] thirsty."
Emmett: "He's not the only one."
[All the vamps nod to indicate their thirst]
Me: "Really? Because all your eyes are gold."

I don't want to sound like a crazy person here, but I mean when we're talking about a movie that is geared exclusively toward an enormous cult audience, it's just lazy and incompetent to neglect obvious visual details (especially in a VISUAL MEDIUM like, I don't know, the cinema) like having your cast of vampires talk about their extreme thirst in a scene when they're all wearing their gold, well-fed contacts rather than their all-black, thirsty contacts. Even if you overlooked such a thing on the day of shooting, this is something that could easily be corrected in post by a continuity editor.

Example 2...

It's understood that based on the logic of this fictitious world, the werewolves can only hear each other's thoughts if they are in the same pack, right? When Seth and Leah join Jacob's rogue pack, they stop being able to hear the thoughts of the original pack members. So, why then, when Jacob wolfs out at the end of the movie do the members of Sam's pack immediately start retreating into the forest as though they've heard his thoughts and understand the whole imprinting business? Um, they wouldn't. Because they are not supposed to have that information.

For the record, I'm not talking about omitting/changing plot details in translation from book to screen. I'm actually all for changes like that that are necessary to make a story work in a visual medium as opposed to a textual one. However, any well-made movie -- blockbuster, indie, commercial, arthouse, whatever -- needs to follow it's own internal logic, and adhere to the rules of the world it creates. When it doesn't, it's poor filmmaking, it's lazy and it offends my artistic sensibility.

2. What's going on with the soundtrack (or lack thereof)?


via ellen.warnerbros.com

Truly, I'm not saying Eclipse was any kind of cinematic triumph, but I will say that I loved the soundtrack. The Black Keys, Bat for Lashes, Florence and the Machine, Sia, Beck -- so many great times to be had there. Not only were the songs themselves good, but they were used in the movie in an intentional, effective way. In my opinion, it's the one real success of that film. Conversely, the soundtrack of Breaking Dawn Part 1 was at times non-existent (I can think of two separate moments when I turned to Brigid in the middle of the movie and hissed, "I neeeeed some music!") or recycled. The one time when a song had any kind of notable presence in a scene was during the wedding when they trotted out Iron & Wine's "Flightless Bird," which was used to great effect in the original movie, but in this one just felt sort of tired and lifeless. Ditto the other repeat song -- "Bella's Lullaby" composed for the original film by Carter Burwell. I'm not saying that if I purchased the BDP1 soundtrack and gave it a listen, it might not have some good stuff on it, but I am saying that in the actual film, the music had little to no impact on the scenes or overall feel of the movie.

3. Why is the wolf CGI such a disaster?

I actually didn't mind the wolves so much in the last two films (except for that time in the second movie where Bella sees a wolf in the woods for the first time and it sort of looks like someone's standing there with a felt wolf head on a stick bobbing it up and down). Not so in BDP1. Perhaps the worst scene in the entire movie (which is a pretty stiff competition) is the moment when Jacob assumes his Alpha-persona and challenges Sam for supremacy. The smarter thing to do would have been to shoot that scene as humans rather than wolves (this is one of those instances where something that works on the page but not onscreen needs to be changed for the good of the finished product). As it was, the whole thing played out a bit like that game favored by drunken fraternity brothers the world over where you turn the sound down on a Japanese martial arts film and supply the dialogue yourself. It was a mess.

Truly, even my oft discussed and semi-creepy love for Lautner could not salvage this movie for me. I can't be the only one, right? Are there people out there that enjoyed this monstrosity? If I were Lionsgate, I'd be deeply regretting the decision to keep the same director for Breaking Dawn Part 2. Although, perhaps that's the blessing/curse of a monster cult franchise -- even if BDP1 is indeed the worst movie ever, will anyone really be dissuaded from buying a ticket for Part 2 come November 2012? Doubtful.

xo,
Lindy

Why Not Us Mailbag: The Brett Ratner Situation

2011-11-16T17:21:00.004-05:00

Dear Phil,

Today's mailbag question comes from Shannon: What do you make of this Eddie Murphy situation?

Answer: I feel like the Eddie Murphy situation is really the Brett Ratner situation since Eddie's defection from the hosting gig was really just a side effect of BR's resignation as producer. To be honest, I can completely understand Eddie saying, "I'm out!" when the conditions under which he signed on for the broadcast were suddenly drastically altered. After all, Brett Ratner seemed to be steering the ship of Eddie's two-part 2011 comeback (first Tower Heist, then Oscar night). When you're the most successful comedian of all time, you probably don't want or need to role the dice with a new ship captain when it's just as likely that the new guy will be terrible and the whole thing will go up in flames -- who needs that kind of nonsense when your movies have grossed over 6.5 billion dollars worldwide?

The Brett Ratner Situation is basically this: In the space of what felt like two seconds, BR does a TV interview on G4's Attack of the Show during which he spoke explicitly about his sex life and used an anti-gay slur. He then does a phone interview with Howard Stern in which he further details his past sexcapades with various actresses. The Academy is flooded with complaints about his ass-y behavior, and Ratner ultimately tenders his resignation as Oscar night producer.

Obviously, there are (and should be) consequences for saying offensive things when one is in the public eye, so I'm not necessarily questioning his removal/resignation as Oscar producer on that basis. However, it seems likely to me that his removal/resignation had less to do with the Academy taking a stand against bigotry and more to do with their concern about bad press/ratings. I feel like Ratner's recent public apologies and meetings with GLAAD to organize more public discussions on LGBT issues go a lot further toward making amends than resigning his post at the Oscar night helm. Which, brings me to my first question...

When did the Academy suddenly decide to become the morality police? As many media figures (including the aforementioned Howard Stern) have already pointed out, the Academy has previously recognized and applauded the work of many artists with bigoted, morally suspect (and sometimes downright criminal) personal behavior -- the most obvious example is filmmaker Roman Polanski who has three Oscar nominations (and one win)* for Best Director despite being arrested on six counts of sexual assault including the rape of a thirteen year old girl. Don't misunderstand me, I am obviously strongly opposed to both sexual assault and anti-gay slurs, I just wonder why the Academy chose now to take a moral stand after claiming a sort of art-is-blind position so many times in the past.

Back to Brett Ratner and his week 'o shame -- I have a marginally related follow up question:

Why does Howard Stern bring out the worst in people? Seriously, does he ruphie his guests? Does he spike their PBRs with some kind of despicable veritas serum that turns everyone into assholes? Because truly, nearly every guest who goes on that show more often than not ends up behaving like an idiot -- generally of the crass/offensive variety. Let's look at some examples...

Exhibit A: Wilmer Valderrama (aka the deflowering starlets debacle)

Oh, Wilmer Valderrama. I admit there's probably some ambiguity about the line between honesty and TMI when it comes to talking about past relationships, but I'd imagine that pretty much everyone can agree that talking about your famous conquests' nether regions is crossing the line.

Exhibit B: Quentin Tarantino (aka the Brad-Pitt-hash snafu)

No sooner had Brad Pitt finished telling Bill Maher that he swore off pot smoking as soon as his kids were born, than Quentin Taratino blabbed to Howard Stern that he and Brad got wasted while Angelina was in the hospital giving birth to their twins. According to Tarantino, Brad pulled out a brick of hash, cut QT off a slice and tossed him a Coke can to use as a bong. At best, putting Brad on blast has got to be some kind of bro-code violation, no? Uncool, QT.

Exhibit C: David Arquette (aka the save-it-for-the-marriage-counselor overshare)

Shortly after separating from wife, Courtney Cox, David Arquette called the Howard Stern show and laid out the details of their dwindling sex life and his subsequent affair with a waitress. Um, yikes.

Exhibit D: Tony Bennett (aka the 9/11 fiasco)

All right, so admittedly Tony Bennett is both a living legend and also 85 years old. However, neither of those things kept the proverbial excrement from hitting the fan after he told Howard Stern that the United States caused the September 11th terrorist attacks on the World Trade Center.

And there are like, countless others (I didn't even get into the Jesse James idiocy). What's the deal Howard Stern? What kind of voo doo do you throw down to get these celebrities to brush away their publicists' pesky warnings and in some cases, say the worst stuff ever on tape (all you gnarly kiss-and-tell-ers, I'm looking at you)? My friend (and radio enthusiast), Ray, claims that over the years, Stern has developed a conversational interview style that disarms his guests and gets them to open up. Whatever. I still say it's voo doo.

xo,
Lindy

*Note: I did not count the nominations Roman Polanski received prior to being indicted for sexual assault.

Oscar Prep 2012: Best Picture Edition

2011-11-08T16:52:00.005-05:00

Dear Phil,

First of all, apologies for being quite a bit less prolific with my postcards of late. Life is busy these days with a wedding happening, and also a possible tri-country move. That said, the 84th Academy Awards wait for no man, so let's get our Oscar prep back on track...

Here's my best guess for this year's Best Picture contenders:

Midnight in Paris

I'd be pretty surprised if I didn't hear this movie called on Oscar nomination morning. It's fun, it's original, it's well-made, well-acted, well-directed and it's both commercial and artful (a disturbingly rare combination these days). Granted, it's a comedy, which traditionally works against it, but I feel like it could easily take the nomination spot that the Academy seems to reserve for a slightly more mainstream hit (God forbid that spot should go to The Help).

Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close

Okay, first of all, this poster is awesome. Second, I'm actually in the middle of this novel by Jonathan Safran Foer right now, and I have to say, it's made me more excited than ever to see the movie. Also: Two time Oscar winner Tom Hanks. Oscar winner Sandra Bullock. Four time Oscar nominated screenwriter Eric Roth. Three time Oscar nominated director Stephen Daldry. Touching Father/Son story. 9-11. This movie is stacked. At the moment, it's my front runner for the win.

Drive

I'm a little bit torn on this one because I can't honestly say I thought it was a great movie. That said, it was certainly kind of a fascinating movie, and the fact that I'm so conflicted about it means it was doing something right -- I'm just not totally sure what that something was. I enjoyed the hyper-stylized, low dialogue, crazy violent weirdness of it all, but there were some plotholes (yeah, I said plotholes) that I couldn't quite get past. What is Albert Brooks' operation exactly? Because he's not mafia, and it kind of seems like it's just him going around killing people on his own. Yet the movie asks you to believe he's Michael Corleone -- I feel like this is the key place where director Nicolas Winding Refn failed to fully flesh out a pretty significant element and as a result the whole film suffered. Anyway, whatever. I'd be okay with this nomination, if only because it seems totally preposterous that this bizarre of a movie was so well-received. And I love a preposterous success story.

Martha Marcy May Marlene

Guys, I'm not kidding about this: Martha Marcy May Marlene (or as Silentkillerica and I call it: MMMM) may be the best movie I have seen this year. Due the disturbing subject matter (My boss's mom: "Describe it in one sentence." Me: "Young girl escapes from physically, sexually, and psychologically abusive cult." My boss's mom: "Oh."), it's possible the Academy will keep it out of the Best Picture race and just nominate Elizabeth Olsen for Best Actress. I want to go on record as saying that would be a mistake. This is a five nomination movie: Best Picture, Best Director, Best Actress, Best Supporting Actor, and Best Cinematography. There I said it.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2

My hatred of 3D movies notwithstanding, I do believe this franchise deserves some recognition for accomplishing what is, I think, a pretty spectacular feat: Bringing to life a dauntingly successful book franchise that seemed to leave even the most avid fans satisfied. Four directors, two screenwriters and a cast of thousands produced eight movies in ten years which, okay, weren't perfect, but were certainly well-executed, and at times downright masterfully done. Not an easy task, friends. The Twilight Saga should take a lesson.

The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo

So, I haven't actually read these books yet, but I will say that if anything could get me psyched about a story that involves multiple rapes and other generally terrible atrocities, it's this preview. I literally can't stop watching it. There's an energy and intensity about it -- the cast, the art direction, the subject matter -- that just feels like a set up for Oscar momentum. Also there's something about David Fincher's near win last year that makes me think he's out for blood.

The Artist

I love the idea of a movie this weird getting such universal acclaim. Jean Dujardin, John Goodman, Penelope Ann Miller, and Bérenice Bejo in a silent movie about pre-talkie Hollywood. Yes, please.

War Horse

Alright, the thing is, I saw this musical on Broadway and two things made it awesome: 1) the onstage musicians (great), and 2) the puppeteers operating the horses (amazing). However, to my knowledge, the Steven Spielberg-helmed film version will not have either of those things. Thus, what we're left with for the movie is a plot that is at best deeply derivative -- essentially, "Black Beauty Goes to War." I'm not saying it won't be good, possibly even great, but I just want us all to be honest about what's happening here. I'm pretty sure no one involved in this endeavor wrote Anna Sewell a check, but I want it noted that somebody should've. War Horse will likely earn a Best Picture nomination, but not so much my admiration for plot originality.

Margin Call

For some reason, I'm oddly thrilled about the fact that this movie is even being bandied about on Oscar speculation lists such as this one. After all, what's not to love about a sleeper indie propelled into the Oscar race from almost total obscurity by the zeitgeist? Look for a more comprehensive post about Margin Call later this week, but for now let me say this: Jeremy Irons, you sexy beast.

Other possibilities:

The Iron Lady -- Okay, yes. I do work for the company that made this movie, but I mean, please: historical biopic of Margaret Thatcher starring Oscar darling Meryl Streep? Please. My only concern about Iron Lady is that it's directed by Phyllida Lloyd who also brought us the film version of Mama Mia! (possibly the worst movie in the history of the world). But, you know, we all get one mulligan, right?

The Ides of March -- I'm including this one because I had it on my original prep list back in August, however, truth be told I'm actually less sure about this prediction now than I was before I actually saw the movie. I certainly didn't hate it. George Clooney, Ryan Gosling, and Philip Seymour Hoffman all turned in solid performances (not to mention an appearance from the oft-discussed love of my life, Max Minghella). Also, I've never been a particular fan of Evan Rachel Wood, but in Ides I thought her performance actually worked in the overall context of the movie. All that said, I feel like Ides of March just lacked the depth and staying power needed to earn a spot in the Oscar top ten. The script was a little thin in places, and even though there were good moments, it ultimately felt a bit too light to compete with the rest of the heavyweights for the Oscar championship belt. However, George Clooney seems to have some sort of weird voo doo going with the Oscars. He may be able to ride the early buzz he got, and eek out a nomination.

Moneyball -- Here's the thing: I totally believe, barring some rogue last minute surge-to-the-finish contenders, that Moneyball will get nominated. However, whenever I think of it, all I can see in my mind's eye is that totally bland poster of Brad Pitt looking over his shoulder, and I feel sort of underwhelmed about the whole thing. That said, I did enjoy this movie -- particularly, as previously noted, the contributions of Jonah Hill and Aaron Sorkin, so I'm going to give it a conditional thumbs up where the nomination is concerned.

J. Edgar -- Another Biopic. Oscar darling Clint Eastwood. Oscar winning screenwriter Dustin Lance Black. Also, the much nominated, under-recognized, much beloved Leonardo DiCaprio. That said, I just can't get that excited about it.

Here's the transcript of a recent email conversation with my friend Ben:

Ben: Is it just me or is J. Edgar just Leo's redux of Howard Hughes and The Aviator?

Me: You're right I feel like Leonardo DiCaprio has reached that point where he has consistently turned in a flush of amazing performances and is now overdue for recognition (almost uncomfortably so), but for whatever reason I can't get that excited about this particular role as the one that finally wins him the Oscar. Maybe because I feel like I've seen it before. I still feel like my favorite performance from him in previous years was Revolutionary Road for which he was not even nominated.

Ben: Agreed.

Me: Have you noticed that dudes love LDiC? Particularly white dudes. I feel like I'm always having conversations with my white male friends -- most of whom are not normally movie enthusiasts -- who get weirdly effusive about LDiC's merit. Something about his body of work really speaks to them in the way that say Matt Damon's does not.

Ben: I agree. They do. There's a lot of hetero love out there for Leo.

There are two things about J. Edgar that gives me pause: 1) On paper, it seems like a shoe in, but the reviews are mediocre at best. This is never a good sign. 2) The preview is boring. Sorry, Clint Eastwood, but it's true.

What say you? Any contenders I missed?

xo,
Lindy

Footloose Redux: Everybody Cut Loose (Or Maybe Don't)

2011-10-21T15:38:00.006-04:00

Dear Phil,

Let's start with the positive - I do kind of like this poster...

Having said that, let me also say this: Footloose 2011 gets an uncontested thumbs down from me.

Granted, it was a hard sell to begin with -- I'm a preacher's daughter for heaven's sake. I love the original movie. And, I'm not saying that I thought the reboot would be amazing, but I think that some lingering idealistic part of me did believe that given the source material, even amidst the parade of inconsequential remakes, this one might actually be interesting and enjoyable. I believe I can say with absolutely certainty that this hope was dashed in the first twenty minutes.

In my opinion, here's what went wrong:

1. Script/performance anemia.

I believe the cardinal rule of would-be film(re)makers should be the same as that of doctors: First, do no harm. However, that alone is not enough. If you're going to remake a movie like Footloose -- a movie that, okay, is certainly not the most artful cinematic triumph of our time, but is undeniably a solid, well-made movie that had a huge impact on the culture of its time and also managed to stay resonant and relevant through multiple decades -- then your obligation is not only to preserve the legacy of the original, but also to transform it enough that it can stand on its own and justify the whole endeavor in the first place. Footloose 2011 is almost a scene-for-scene copy of the original, so you'd think it could capture a little more of the angst and pathos served up by its predecessor, but you'd be wrong.

A remake should be edgier than it's source material -- sharpening itself on the original so it can cut deeper. It's not enough to make a subdued version of a movie that already exists, you have to do something different. Push it further, make it more, use the passage of time and the elements of 2011 that you have at your disposal to update the story for a whole new generation. It should be a kind of uber-oxygenated super hybrid with both the lifeblood of the original and it's own fresh new blood coursing through it. But alas, that didn't happen here, and ultimately what the Footloose remake delivered was a dull and somewhat exsanguinated version of a much, much better movie.

Here's an example:

Remember this scene from the original where Lori Singer straddles the highway center divider with a foot in each car and plays chicken with a Mack truck?

That scene managed to be simultaneously viscerally terrifying and also demonstrative of the type of reckless angst that defines Ariel's complicated relationship with life. Here's the parallel scene from the 2011 update:

Yeah....that's Julianne Hough riding around a racetrack, holding a flag. In the original scene, the audience feels worried for Ariel -- not only for her physical safety in the moment, but for the emotional instability that causes her to flirt with disaster. Perhaps the most telling evidence of the updated scene's failure is that when it's finished, Ariel's friend Rusty (the new SJP) confronts her with a flood of oddly heartfelt tears (God bless that actress who was clearly giving it her all). However, it's nearly impossible to feel adequately moved by Rusty's fear and concern for Ariel's self-destructive tendencies since you really had no idea Ariel was ever in danger in the first place, and thus all the resonance of that particular moment felt flat. This is a pretty good description the problem with nearly every scene in the remake. Which brings me to the second problem...

2. Julianne Hough.

Alright, so I'm not saying that this guy was all that great either. Certainly, he was no Kevin Bacon, but at least he was kind of likable and a good dancer and his Boston accent was sort of fun. Inoffensive, overall. Not so, Julianne Hough, who is far too cutesy and saccharine to make any type of angst believable. Her default setting in nearly every scene seemed to be "smiley/coquettish" which is not an ideal persona for a rebel without a cause. What's worse, the filmmakers seem to be trying to offset all that cutesy by sexing up her wardrobe. Seriously, there's one country line dancing scene in which you cannot get the word "boobs" out of your mind:

The trouble is, in most instances the sex is so uncomfortable co-existing with the cutesy that the whole thing comes off awkward. I'm not trying to be a total hater here, but I am saying one pole dance with a parking meter doesn't automatically turn Betty into a Veronica.

To be fair, it's not entirely La Hough's fault. After all, she did not cast herself, and I'm also not sure the director really geared the part toward her strengths. Case in point: She was obviously hired for her dancing ability (since that's what she, you know, does for a living), but relatively few of the dance scenes give her any opportunity to do much except shake her money maker (and not in an awesome, Beyoncé kind of way).

3. The soundtrack covers were a mess.

For the most part, the soundtrack suffered from the same anemia that plagued the rest of the movie, but for me, the worst offender is Ella Mae Bowen's mouse-y version of Holding Out for a Hero. Call me crazy, but I just don't think you can sing the words: "he's got to be fresh from the fight" in a quiet, breathy voice while someone demurely strums a guitar. Truly, somewhere Bonnie Tyler is holding out for an aspirin and and several memory-erasing shots of Jack Daniels.

I feel pretty comfortable saying that none of the covers are successful. In fact, the only song that manages to infuse the movie with any amount of energy is Big and Rich's "Fake I.D.," which ironically, is the one song that's not from the original soundtrack.

So, there you have it. Footloose 2011 -- not a win in my estimation. However, I do think I left the theater feeling a greater amount of rancor than this one movie actually deserves. In reality, the problem is a much larger one and deals not only with movie remakes but also with the way large studio movies get made in general. The tendency to go with what's safe over what's different even if it means making a movie that stumbles feebly from start to finish, bled dry of any real interest, energy or nuance is disturbingly prevalent at the big studio level, but that's a conversation for another day.

At one point, about halfway through the movie, it became clear that Tim (whom I coerced into coming with me) has never seen the 1984 original.

Me: What?! How could you not tell me that?!
Tim: What do you mean?
Me: Oh my God, I would never have asked you to come if I'd known this was your first introduction to Footloose!
Tim: It's ok.

Sorry, Tim. I should never have let that happen. I failed you.

xo,
Lindy

P.S. Okay, yes, I admit it. I watched Center Stage 2: Turn it Up online when I got home last night to find out if Kenny Wormald's Boston accent was real. I know, you don't have to say anything. I know.

Previously: Dance Movie Remakes R Us

Oscar Roll Call 2011: Moneyball

2011-10-05T11:34:00.000-04:00

Dear Phil,

T-minus 144 days until the Oscars, and I am already woefully behind on my prep work. In an effort to get back on track, Tim and Brigid and I went to see Moneyball...

Moneyball has several big things going for it: It's well directed and edited (truly, the editing is impressive - this might be its strongest feature from a production standpoint), and it has an interesting script that's not afraid to take its time and work a slow burn into an unexpectedly emotional finish (not unlike the game of baseball itself in that way).

In fairness, there were a couple of script issues -- the semi-awkward scenes with Billy Beane's daughter and her precocious musical talent come to mind (twice we are subjected to her cloying version of a song that sounds exactly like "I'm Yours" by Jason Mraz. Why?). Presumably, these scenes were included to humanize Billy Beane and make the movie not entirely about baseball, but they were so much less compelling than the rest of the movie that they felt incongruous and clunky. However, despite these relatively minor missteps, Moneyball does manage to take a fairly esoteric side of professional baseball and make it accessible to the average viewer, so thumbs up there.

Which brings me to what is, in my opinion, Moneyball's biggest strength: Jonah Hill...

Truth be told, I haven't seen many of Jonah Hill's movies prior to this one. As a general rule, I'm not that big on jokes about poop or getting high,* which pretty much sums up 80-90% of Jonah Hill's filmography. Regardless, I'm just going to say it: Jonah Hill carries Moneyball. Brad Pitt's not terrible in it, but for most of the movie I can't help but feel that he's doing an impression of someone as opposed to actually inhabiting the character. The scenes where that feels less true are those spent opposite Jonah Hill, which leads me to believe that JH is the kind of actor that makes the actors around him better.

I don't want to be too hard on B. Pitt here; I appreciate that he tries to make interesting creative choices in the face of unbelievable media scrutiny and studio objectification, and I'm sympathetic to his whole I'm-tortured-by-my-own-handsomeness thing, but come January 2012 when it's 5:30 am PST and Brad Pitt's name is called by Jessica Alba/Biel and one of those Academy people, I just want us all to remember that it was Jonah Hill who really brought this thing home.

If the gauntlet of serious-contender previews that we saw last night is any indication, Oscar season is totally upon us. Let's do this, people.

xo,
Lindy

*For reasons unknown, I still love the Jackass franchise.

Breaking Dawn Trailer: Let's Discuss

2011-09-16T11:43:00.006-04:00

Dear Phil,

Let's talk about the new Breaking Dawn trailer for a second...

A few thoughts...

1. First of all -- can I just say that really anything would be better than the total bore that was the teaser trailer? That twenty seconds I spent watching wedding invitations get delivered is twenty seconds I'll never get back. The only remotely exciting element was getting to see T. Lautner looking angry in the rain (not unlike the movie itself in that way).

2. Once again the Pacific Northwest/British Columbia footage is breathtaking, and as usual I find myself wondering why, with such an amazing backdrop, Catherine Hardwicke (or really, any of the subsequent directors, but CH is the worst offender) couldn't make a better movie. The mind boggles.

3. Is it possible that the wolf CGI has gotten worse since the last movie?

4. I had to avert my eyes during the bed-breaking shot. It's just too awkward. If I want to see human/vampire sex, I'll call Joss Whedon.

5. Don't think for even one second that any of this means I will not be in a theater at 12:00am on November 18, because I surely will.

xo,
Lindy

Previously: Midnight Moon or Who Doesn't Love a Mob Scene?

Catfish Hole

2011-09-02T10:09:00.002-04:00

Dear Phil,

Have you seen Catfish?

In deference to the poster, I'm not going to comment specifically on the content of this movie, but here's what happened:

Javier and I watched Catfish a couple nights ago on the recommendation of a friend and going into it, perhaps because I wasn't totally listening while our friend was describing it or because of my oft-discussed propensity to willfully misunderstand film trailers, I totally believed that the movie we were about to see was fictional and scripted, but shot like a documentary as a gimmick (like Blair Witch or similar). The next morning I said as much to Dub Room Chris when he came to drop something by the office...

DRC: That is what it is. [pause] Isn't it?

Me: Well, that's the thing. About three quarters of the way through the movie it started to seem almost impossible that it was scripted. If it was fictional, then these actors are really good, like blow-your-mind-good. So I googled it--

DRC: No, it's fake.

Me: I tell you, I googled it and the filmmakers totally claim it's real -- like a straight-up documentary. But then apparently, during the Q&A at Sundance all these people including -- bizarrely -- Morgan Spurlock, were crying foul and giving all these reasons why it had to be fake.

DRC: Because it is.

Me: At any rate, it's not Blair Witch -- the guys who made the movie say it's real! So if it's all fake, then at best what we're dealing with is a fair bit of subterfuge and some pretty elaborate duplicity.

DRC: Hoax!

Me: But the characters in the movie are real people, you can find them online! And if it was totally fabricated don't you think someone -- Smoking Gun or whatever -- would have been all over it by now, exposing them for the liars they are?

DRC: No! Stop it. It's fake! The whole thing's bullshit.

Me: But how could it be?

DRC: It is! Don't question yourself. This is what they want! You're in the Catfish Hole!

Me: I'm not in the Catfish hole!

DRC: You are! You're totally in the Catfish hole.

Me: You're right. I think I am.

[Dub Room Chris moves toward the elevator shaking his head]

DRC: Shit, I'm going to have to watch this movie now. See? See what just happened? [points his finger menacingly at me as the elevator doors start to shut] Catfish hole.

In an attempt to find a slightly more informed opinion, I questioned my boss who said he believed it was, in his words, "only partially bullshit." He claims that the premise and characters are real, but that when the filmmakers realized that they'd stumbled upon a far more interesting story than the one they had to begin with, they went back and staged some scenes that they hadn't originally captured, and possibly fabricated phone conversations and other interactions that never actually occurred.

Assuming that he's correct, the question becomes does this matter? What are the ethics of documentary filmmaking? If, for example, a cell phone conversation took place, but you, the filmmaker, failed to get it on tape, is it wrong to re-enact the conversation as though it were taking place for the first time in order to make the film a more cohesive and faithful narrative of events? Is it wrong to create scenes that didn't ever take place as a means of explaining and clarifying events that did occur? Am I more or less impressed with the movie if I know that some of it isn't 100% true?

via sheknows.com

To be honest, I feel a little torn. Part of me is just deeply impressed with how well done Catfish is and how intriguing they managed to make the story. In fact, a part of me is almost more impressed with their ability to build such a gripping narrative by whatever means necessary.

What say you? Should the motto of documentarians everywhere be "give me truth or give me death!" or should the goal be to tell an amazing story? The jury's still out for me...

xo,
Lindy

Overheard Brooklyn: The Seven Year Itch

2011-08-30T09:57:00.002-04:00

Dear Phil,

In this case "overheard" is not strictly accurate given that I was the one doing the talking rather than the overhearing in the conversation I am about to relate. However, the whole encounter was just as inscrutable and perplexing as most overheard conversations often are, so I think the title holds up in the end.

A couple months ago, Shannon and I went to see The Seven Year Itch during the Marilyn Monroe Retrospective at the Brooklyn Academy of Music...

via filmforum.org

The couple sitting in front of us were probably in their mid-to-late sixties (i.e. old enough to have seen The Seven Year Itch when it was released in theaters in 1955). A few minutes before the lights dimmed, the following conversation took place:

Shannon: So what's this movie about again?

Me: I've never actually seen it, but I think it's about the idea that when men have been married for a certain number of years -- seven, I guess -- they start to get an itch to look at other women and feel like they're missing out. I think it's fair to say the sexual politics of this movie are pretty dated.

Shannon: Who does Marilyn Monroe play?

Me: I'm not sure. Tom Ewell plays a guy whose wife goes away for the summer and he meets Marilyn Monroe -- I think she's like a girl who works in his office or something?

At this point, the man in front of us turned swiftly around, fixed me with what I can only describe as a menacing glare and said, "WRONG!"

I don't know what was more startling, the fact that he spoke in such a loud, taunting tone or the fact that he said absolutely nothing else. I found myself just staring at him waiting for what I don't know. Maybe some sort of follow up explanation about La Monroe's actual role in the film? It didn't happen. He just gave us another semi-disgusted look and turned back around.

Me: Um, I guess I'm wrong about that. We'll just have to wait and see the movie..."

Shannon: Yeah.

Strange times.

xo,
Lindy

Movie Trailer Round Up: Indie Edition

2011-08-19T17:27:00.010-04:00

Dear Phil,

Last night, Silentkillerica and I went to see Midnight in Paris at Angelika, and I have basically three thoughts...

1. I can't imagine any writer not being obsessed with the idea of this movie. Who hasn't imagined sitting on the porch with Gabriel Garcia Marquez as he marks up your manuscript with helpful suggestions and pats you on the arm in a grandfatherly way?

2. Adrian Brody as Salvador Dali was killing me.

3. If there's a more beautiful woman in this world than Marion Cotillard I don't who it is (except maybe that designer on the current season of Project Runway who used to be a Miss Universe contestant).

As we were leaving, Silentkillerica said that Woody Allen's movies are sort of hit or miss for her; I said I thought pretty much everyone feels that way. I don't think I've ever met anyone who loves ALL of his movies -- usually people are like, "Oh, I love Annie Hall and Manhattan, but Match Point sucks" or "Crimes and Misdemeanors is the best movie ever, but everything else he's done is terrible." There's something intriguing about that to me, as if when you are so prolific as an artist, everyone has a different combination of your work that speaks to them. Ideally, one day I'll have written enough books to garner such diverse reactions.

All that said, sometimes the most exciting part of going to see a movie at Angelika isn't the movie itself, but rather the fact that I'm treated to a veritable Christmas morning of indie movie trailers cued up before my feature presentation. It's especially thrilling as the summer draws to a close and ushers in the first round of little-movies-that-could from Sundance and Cannes hoping to start a slow burn that will eventually blaze a trail all the way to the Oscars.

Here are last night's highlights...

1. Martha Marcy May Marlene. I don't really need to go into my oft discussed love for the family Olsen do I?

via vanityfair.com

While it's tough to imagine any Olsen(s) inspiring in me the same affection that I have for Mary Kate and Ashley, Elizabeth Olsen certainly comes close. She's ethereally beautiful and almost creepily talented in that Maggie Gyllenhaal way. Plus, she's always walking the red carpet in designs from The Row as if to say, "Yes, we are a family both attractive and skilled. No need to gush."

Listen Olsens, it's time we became friends. It's obviously meant to be.

The truth is, even after watching the trailer, I can't totally tell you what Martha Marcy May Marlene (a title that I both love and hate since it is simultaneously intriguing and hard to say) is about, and yet, I am mesmerized by this preview. Also, John Hawkes is like the king of the indie movie prom these days, no? Get it JH.

2. Gun Hill Road. This is the kind of movie that you watch the trailer for and think, "Oh! That looks so good...and also so terrible."

And by "terrible," I mean it will mangle my fragile heart to such a degree that it will likely take me days to recover. Check out this trailer, and tell me I'm wrong.

3. Brighton Rock. For reasons unknown, I kept referring to this movie as "Broken Road" for most of the night (a mistake which led to a comedy of errors in which Silentkillerica thought I was talking about the aforementioned Gun Hill Road).

Title confusion aside, the marketing of this movie is deeply impressive to me. I saw the poster in the lobby and was already talking Silentkillerica's ear off about it by the time we got to our seats. Then, the trailer was so -- I'll just say it -- gripping. I've never actually heard of Sam Riley before this moment, but I think I may love him (not in the way I love say, Jay Hernandez necessarily, but more in the way that I love Kevin Spacey or Elijah Wood -- he's just interesting to watch onscreen). Also, you know I can't resist an adaptation, right? I'm totally putting a copy of Graham Greene's novel on hold at the library to prep for the movie.

4. Project Nim. When I was a kid I used to have this memory match game with pictures of baby animals on the cards. The baby chimp was wearing a diaper and for some reason it was my favorite -- perhaps because it was so sweet and affectionate looking compared to the chimps at the zoo that screamed and hurled their own feces. The point is this poster reminded me of the memory match game chimp...

The trailer for Project Nim is actually slightly less intriguing to me than the poster despite the fact that the trailer shows several shots of Nim wearing what is undeniably a diaper.

5. Higher Ground. If it was possible for Patricia Arquette and Claire Forlani to procreate together, I feel like their kid would look exactly like Vera Farmiga...

Watching the trailer, I'm not totally sold on this movie yet. I can't decide if it's going to be awesome or kind of disappointing in that way that so many movies that try to tackle the subject of religion often are. However, I will say that I think Vera Farmiga gives consistently great performances, and I strongly suspect that she will give an even more amazing performance on a project that she is so invested in creatively (i.e. a movie she directed). I love the idea of movies that investigate the complicated nature of the collective religious experience vs. the personal one. My concern is so few movies have succeeded at making that investigation interesting and nuanced, but I'm holding out hope that Higher Ground will give it a try.

Get ready, people. Oscar season is coming.

xo,
Lindy

Dance Movie Remakes R US

2011-08-12T11:58:00.001-04:00

Dear Phil,

Get ready for it: There's another Dirty Dancing remake...

via amazon.com

It would seem that this one is an actual remake as opposed to the 2004 "re-imagining" penned by NPR host Peter Sagal, which replaced backroom abortion with the Cuban Revolution as the socio-political subplot...

The third installment of what is now a DD triology of sorts, is directed by original Dirty Dancing choreographer Kenny Ortega (who obviously went on to fame and fortune as the creator of the High School Musical franchise). I can only pray that Ortega is not planning to cast Zac Efron as Johnny Castle. I'm serious about this, KO. Just say no.

Speaking of dance movie remakes, let's talk about Footloose...

A couple of thoughts:

1. I won't say I'm not concerned that the role of Ren MacCormack is being played by a guy who is best known for Center Stage 2: Turn it Up.

2. Is it plausible that in this day and age there would be a town anywhere in America where dancing could be outlawed? Would the ACLU not step in at some point? Frankly, even in 1984 (when the original was released) this premise required a bit of a suspension of disbelief, but in 2011 it just seems preposterous. In fairness, the remake's trailer seems a little vague on this point -- maybe only proms are outlawed?

3. They're also remaking the original soundtrack song for song. Country star and coach of The Voice, Blake Shelton, will re-record the Kenny Loggins title track, and some 15 year old I've never heard of is taking on Bonnie Tyler's Holding Out for a Hero. I know. That last one really has my yikes-antennae on high alert. You can check out the full soundtrack listing here. (It's best to be sitting down first).

My friend Ray claims that the popularity of dance-themed reality shows is making these iconic dance movies irresistible remake fodder for studio execs, which seems like a totally reasonable theory to me -- albeit one that I can't help but feel annoyed by given that I find dance-themed reality shows strangely irksome despite my ardent love for dance movies.

Regardless, I'm calling it right now. We are seconds away from a remake of Flashdance starring Miley Cyrus (who will, no doubt, cover the Irene Cara title track as well). It's coming. Get ready.

xo,
Lindy

Mark Wahlberg 4 Eva: A Retrospective

2011-08-01T13:25:00.007-04:00

Dear Phil,

This weekend, Elly and I found ourselves lying prostrate on her couch with a pizza between us, scrolling blissfully through the endless list of channels with acronyms that I cannot possibly decode, searching out the perfect worst-slash-best viewing option for our evening. After rejecting a marathon of Millionaire Matchmaker and a reality show on the Country Music Channel about Southern debutantes, we struck gold on the TV Guide Channel (who knew this channel had actual programming?) with the mid-nineties psycho-sexual thriller, Fear.

Me: Oh! Oh! Oh! Yesssssssss.
Elly: Perfect.

About twenty minutes into it, this conversation happened:

Elly: This movie's kind of creepier than I remembered.
Me: Yeah, but Mark Wahlberg is so hot. Who even cares?
Elly: I always forget that you love Mark Wahlberg.
Me: Really? Because I never do.
Elly: I don't think I can even name that many of his movies, can you?
Me: Yes.
Elly: How many of them have you seen?
Me: Um, all of them?
Elly: Shut up.
Me: I think I have. I mean, there may be one or two that I missed, but I'm a pretty devoted fan.
Elly: We need to IMDB this.
Me: Do it.
Elly: Okay...Renaissance Man.
Me: Yes.
Elly: The Basketball Diaries.
Me: Yes.
Elly: Boogie Nights.
Me: Yes.
Elly: The Yards.
Me: Yes.
Elly: The Perfect Storm.
Me: Yes.
Elly: Traveller?
Me: No. I've never even heard of that.
Elly: It says it's about "a young man, Pat, who visits the clan of gypsy-like grifters (Irish Travellers) in rural North Carolina from whom he is descended. He is at first rejected, but cousin Bokky takes him on as an apprentice. Pat learns the game while Bokky falls in love and desires a different life."
Me: Oh my God.
Elly: I know.

It turns out that there are, in fact, two of the twenty seven films in the Mark Wahlberg filmography (I've chosen not to count the TV Movie in which he appeared as Marky Mark -- aka himself) that I have not seen: The elusive, gypsy-grifter tale, Traveller, and Date Night. I don't have a good excuse for that second one.

In honor of my unrequited MW crush that has now spanned multiple decades, here's a list of some of my favorites from the Wahlberg oeuvre...

1. Fear

First of all, it's oddly comforting to see 1996 again, no?

There's something about that era of movies that always makes me feel a spontaneous burst of affection. Does everyone feel nostalgic over movies released when they were in high school? It's funny, I don't look back on high school itself that fondly, but there's something about seeing a movie from that time -- the actors, the clothes, the music -- that captures a moment in a way that's familiar and kind of wistful.

Whatever, maybe it's just me. For the record, I don't feel that way about Wild Things or Baby Geniuses.

Fear is one of those movies that straddles that treacherous borderland between ridiculous and awesome and wins. It's hard not to love a movie in which Mark Wahlberg alternately beats himself in his own chest Celine-Dion style, tattoos himself (in phonetically accurate dialect) with a razor blade and a ballpoint pen, and tries to break down Reese Witherspoon's door with an axe.

At some point during our viewing, Elly googled the soundtrack...

Elly: It says Mark Wahlberg has a song on this soundtrack called "The illest."
Me: I know.
Elly: [raises an eyebrow]
Me: I have his albums.
Elly: Wow.

2. Four Brothers

via austinchronicle.com

As a general rule, I'm not a huge fan of John Singleton. I feel like he made Boyz 'N The Hood, and then just tried to re-make that same movie over and over again, but without the same success. That said, against all odds I do love Four Brothers. Here's the plot in a nutshell: four guys -- Mark Wahlberg, Andre 3000, Tyrese and the dude from Country Strong -- are adopted as a young boys by a kind-hearted woman named Evelyn who raises them as brothers on the mean streets of Detroit, MI. Years later, the four brothers return home to solve and avenge Evelyn's murder. In spite of the heavy-handed thuggery and general lack of plot originality, Four Brothers still manages to be a great time for me, not least because Andre 3000 spends much of the movie in overalls...

via allmoviephoto.com

3. The Italian Job

I mention this movie for two reasons:

First, it's actually a decent remake which is a rare thing in the cinematic world. It manages to go toe-to-toe with its predecessor without appearing like a sad, watered down version of a more interesting movie (The Truth About Charlie, I'm looking at you). I'd even venture to say that I enjoyed it even more than the zany Michael Caine original. Yeah. I did. True Story.

Second, I kind of wish Donald Sutherland and Mark Wahlberg were really father (figure) and son...

Except that I feel like such a relationship would inevitably spark any number of drunken, jealous incidents with Kiefer...

4. I Heart Huckabees

I don't really have to explain this one do I? I Heart Huckabees is one of those movies that you either L-O-V-E and believe David O. Russell to possess a brand of peculiar and hilarious genius, or hate and find nonsensical and crazy. Either way though, I'm pretty sure everyone can get behind the Wahlberg performance, which is, in my opinion, one of his best...

5. Shooter

I feel like MW's face in this shot really tells you everything you need to know about Shooter.

Essentially, it's about an ex-marine sniper hired by the government to plan a faux presidential assassination, only to find himself set up as the fall guy in an actual assassination carried out by the corrupt government officials he signed on to help. MW is forced to go on the lam with only Michael Peña for an unlikely ally...

No lie, I have seen this movie something like seventeen times. It's hard to explain why I love it so much except to say this: At one point, Mark Wahlberg gets shot by a shady government agent and has to give himself an IV in a gas station bathroom using only a bottle of water, a length of dirty tubing, a needle and some salt. It is amazing.

Obviously, I could go on with this list, but instead, let me just leave you with this:

You're welcome.

xo,
Lindy

Worst Valentine's Day Ever. Bring On New Year's Eve.

2011-07-28T10:42:00.003-04:00

Dear Phil,

There is perhaps no movie released in 2010 that I hated more than Valentine's Day...

Here's the thing: even before it was officially released, the reviews were terrible, and then, when it actually came out, word of mouth was even more damning than the slanderous opinions of the critics. And yet, I still dragged Javi to see it. Why? Because HOW COULD THIS MOVIE NOT BE GOOD? I'm not saying it was ever going to be a Last of the Mohicans epic romance for the ages, but you've got director Garry Marshall (king of all that is feel-good and charming), you've got an absurdly lengthy roll call of Hollywood A-listers (four Oscar winners!), and you've got a holiday that lends itself so well simultaneously to the meaningful, the ridiculous, and the tragic. How could this go so wrong?

For me, there is a clear reason:

The script was penned by screenwriter Katherine Fugate (whose dubious resume includes such gems as Xena: Warrior Princess and The Prince and Me II: A Royal Wedding). Here's how Entertainment Weekly put it: "Every skit is lame, every line of dialogue is stale, every joke falls flat, and every performance has been phoned in between text messages to agents." (via Rotten Tomatoes) Harsh, yet true.

Here's what needed to happen:

1. Take Jessica Biel and Jamie Foxx out of the movie -- if there are two people in this world with less sexual chemistry, I don't know who they are.

2. Axe the weird grandparents-grandchildren-losing-virginity-missing-brother plotline (although Emma Roberts and whoever her boyfriend was were sort of endearing and could maybe do their own teen dramedy series on ABC Family).

3. Lose the Taylor(s) and their impossibly awkward kissing.

4. Make the whole gay-football-player-army-mom thing it's own movie. Raise your hand if you didn't get enough B. Coop/Julia Roberts/McSteamy action in V-Day? Yeah, me either.

5. Get rid of Jessica Alba who basically has one facial expression the whole movie:

What you have left is: Topher Grace and phone sex operator Anne Hathaway (i.e. the only part of the movie that actually worked), and Ashton Kutcher and zany florist sidekick George Lopez trying to save Jennifer Garner from the trifling clutches of Patrick Dempsey (Really, P.Demp? You have to play a doctor in everything now?). If we fire Katherine Fugate, hire Kristin Wiig and up the funny quotient of the florist-infidelity stuff significantly, we'd have ourselves a decent movie.

However, none of that happened, and the sad fact remains that Valentine's Day was terrible. I'm more than a little concerned about the virtually identical trailer for Garry Marshall's next installment, New Year's Eve...

<a href='http://entertainment.msn.com/video/?videoId=5rdqv1i&from={from}' target='_new' title=''New Year's Eve' movie trailer' >Video: 'New Year's Eve' movie trailer</a>

A few things I find concerning:

1. Is it possible that NYE has even more characters than Valentine's Day?

2. Julie Andrews is not in the preview. AT ALL.

3. Ditto John Lithgow.

I won't say I'm not worried, but I will say that the slogan: "Kiss Last Year Goodbye" at the end of the trailer makes me laugh. Wouldn't it have been amazing if it had said, "Kiss [our previous movie] Goodbye"?

xo,
Lindy

8+ Movie Franchises: Revisited

2011-07-25T09:00:00.004-04:00

Dear Phil,

You may remember that earlier this month, in one of my effusive fangirl Harry Potter Week posts, I asked whether or not any other movie franchises have lasted eight movies (most of the ones that came immediately to mind -- Rocky, Star Wars, etc only have six). However, thank God for our readers -- one of whom came through like a champ and posted this fairly impressive list:

FBKSan said...
Other 8-part franchises of admittedly dubious quality:

Friday the 13th
Hellraiser
Halloween
Godzilla vs. _________
The Land Before Time (I know! Look it up!)

And also...

Bond
Star Trek (if we're being a bit creative in our interpretation)
Batman (if we're being very creative, counting remakes and... gulp... Catwoman)

This may be my favorite blog comment ever (even counting the one where that person told me to "take it" and then called me a bitch). I was so excited about this list, that I thought it deserved a post all its own.

Let's get into these...

1. Friday the 13th/Hellraiser/Halloween

I'll be honest, I'm just not a huge fan of horror (in fact, until yesterday I kind of thought Friday the 13th and Nightmare on Elm Street were the same movie. I know. De-friend me on facebook if you have to). However, my own preferences aside -- this trio of fright franchises are totally legit contributions to the list.

2. Godzilla Vs. __________

Ditto. I guess. Although, truthfully, even though there are no fewer than twenty-eight Godzilla movies in the can, I have never seen a single one in the whole of my movie-watching career. Are any of them really a must-see? For those of you who feel strongly enough about it, weigh in with the best of the bunch below, and I'll consider adding it to my Netflix queue.

3. The Land Before Time

There are, in fact, TWELVE sequels to the original Don Bluth cartoon. However, despite the fact that this technically counts as an 8-plus franchise, I'm going to disqualify it from the list on the grounds that only one of the thirteen LBT movies was released in theaters (the twelve follow ups were straight-to-video. Two of them were sing-a-longs. Enough said).

Sidenote: Omg, where is Don Bluth right now? Why is he not somewhere making impossibly charming animated features? Seriously DB, it's been like ten years since Titan A.E. It's time for a comeback.

4. Bond

When I say go, let's all say our favorite James Bond actor. Ready? Go.

Daniel Craig. I know, it's crazy. And believe me, I don't like to cross Sean Connery when he's holding a harpoon -- but still, there's something about Daniel Craig's whole rough-and-tumble, grunt-y, thug life Bond that was fun for me. Roger Moore always struck me as a bit of a tool; George Lazenby's um... gun is too small; Timothy Dalton is fine, but always reads to me more like a villain on screen. Am I alone in this? Maybe it's because I always seem to picture him mustachioed, even when he's clean shaven. And finally, I'll just say it: Pierce Brosnan. Worst. Bond. Ever.

5. Star Trek

I'm not even really going to touch this one. I have far too much respect for the epic and impossibly well-informed, global fan base (of which two of my favorite people on earth are members) to ever dream of speaking about this franchise from my woefully ill-equipped position -- especially with Comic-Con right around the corner and so many of them well-poised to form ranks and attack. Live long and prosper, Star Trek fans.

6. Batman

I don't know why, but for some reason I'm loathe to let this one on the list. Possibly because this franchise feels so disjointed to me. The original 1966 movie is okay. The two with Michael Keaton are fun and dark in that Tim Burton-y kind of way. Batman Forever holds a campy, but affectionate place in my 15-year-old heart. Then, George Clooney and Alicia Silverstone (who, for the record, I love to distraction) nearly killed the whole franchise until finally, Chris Nolan and Heath Ledger rode in on a white (dark?) horse, earned nine oscar nominations and saved us from ourselves.

Also, as FBKSan pointed out, to include Batman in this round-up, we have to count the Halle Berry Catwoman movie, and frankly, that scene where La Berry hocks a fur ball into her hand still weirdly haunts me. Hopefully, Anne Hathaway will fair better.

To sum up: Even though this is an admirably compiled list of franchises that do indeed satisfy my original query, I still don't believe any of them actually deliver on the spirit of my question, which was: Has any other franchise done what the Harry Potter movies have done? Namely, released eight coherent movies on a consistent schedule with no lengthy breaks (one film every 18 or so months, give or take), starring the same cast (not counting deceased cast members who had to be replaced -- RIP, Richard Harris) and crew (albeit different directors) that have felt cohesive and uninterrupted? I don't think so. But, as always, I'd be happy to be proven wrong.

xo,
Lindy

Six Degrees of Rory Culkin

2011-07-21T18:14:00.003-04:00

Dear Phil,

Today is Rory Culkin's 22nd birthday. Tragically, we're one year off of being able to make any number of ridiculous, alcohol-related puns to ring in his 21st year, but we'll just have to bear the disappointment and soldier on somehow. To celebrate the birth of the youngest member of the Culkin acting trio, it's time for a round of six degrees: the Rory Culkin edition.

1. Rory Culkin in Mean Creek with Carly Schroeder

I totally loved this movie when I first saw it. Granted the plot is a bit derivative (kind of like if Stand By Me and The River's Edge had a movie love child), but there's something about the raw talent of this young cast that's both great and creepy. Speaking of which, what happened to this guy...

I remember really enjoying him in this angsty/bad boy/ring leader role, but then I can't say I heard a peep from him ever again. Where did you go, Scott Mechlowicz?

2. Carly Schroeder in Firewall with Alan Arkin...

Truth be told, I remember almost nothing about this movie except that Harrison Ford plays some sort of computer programmer (security specialist?) and he and Virginia Madsen weren't that believable as husband and wife. Also, there was a lot of talk about computer technology that was a) esoteric and b) probably totally obsolete by now. Not a film with what you'd call staying power. However, let's be honest -- it's always kind of nice to see Harrison Ford, isn't it? I can almost forget that he hasn't really done a good movie since Air Force One. No, shut up. I will not count K-19: The Widowmaker.

3. Alan Arkin in Gattaca with Uma Thurman...

For me, there's something deeply terrifying about this movie in so far as it's a dystopian tale that I think has an actual chance of coming true (as opposed to say, Equilibrium). In a future ruled by advanced techno-genetics, Ethan Hawke plays a conceived-in-love citizen who steals the identity of a genetically elite paraplegic (played by Jude Law) in order to infiltrate the ranks of the highest social caste and achieve his boyhood dream of traveling into space. Writer/director Andrew Niccol does a good job of building the creepy tension every time E. Hawke touches something and has to scour the surface for errant skin cells. Also, who doesn't love an incinerator as a plot device?

The only down side of watching this movie these days is seeing Ethan Hawke and ex-wife Uma Thurman in a happier time. Sigh.

4. Uma Thurman in Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Lightning Thief with Cathrine Keener...

The thing is, I'm actually sort of disappointed that this movie didn't do better at the box office because if it had, there would be slightly more industry momentum to adapt the rest of the book series with this cast (which was awesome).

First of all, Kevin McKidd may have been born to play Poseidon...

The rest of the cast includes Logan Lerman in the title role, Uma Thurman as Medusa, Steve Coogan as Hades, Rosario Dawson as Persephone, Catherine Keener as Percy's mortal, long-suffering mother, and Sean Bean as Zeus (although, actually, if I could only choose one Ancient Greek figure from Sean Bean's resume, it would be his turn as Odysseus in Wolfgang Petersen's otherwise loathsome Troy) -- not to mention Home Alone director Chris Columbus at the helm -- all of which totally works for me. What doesn't work is the writing, which I suspect is the result of too many cooks having a hand in one dish. It's unfortunate because the rest of the ingredients are there, but the poorly written (or possibly over-written) script makes the movie fall a little flat ultimately. Why can't these big studio movies with ginormous budgets just hire one writer and call it a day? You can't do twenty-seven re-writes on one project with different writers and expect the script to feel fluid and coherent. (Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen, I'm looking at you).

5. Cathrine Keener in Where the Wild Things Are with Mark Ruffalo...

Here's the deal -- there are many things about this movie that are profoundly cool, including, but not limited to: the music, the art direction, and the quirky, minimalist script that mirrored the show-not-tell vibe of its illustration-heavy literary counterpart. I truly appreciate the level of affection and care that director Spike Jonze obviously took in adapting Maurice Sendak's book. However, there's one thing that placed this film solidly in the one-time-viewing category for me and that is, James Gandolfini.

I can't help it (and I suspect neither can he), but for better or worse James Gandolfini's voice will always -- always -- be the voice of Tony Soprano. Really, I could not get it out of my mind every time that stripey wild thing opened his mouth. I guess it's the blessing/curse of an iconic character -- it can be incredibly distracting when you then try to play someone/thing completely different.

Regardless, Mark Ruffalo plays Catherine Keener's boyfriend -- a role which yields him something like thirty combined seconds of screen time (and not in a memorable, Judy-Dench-in-Shakespeare-in-love kind of way).

6. Mark Ruffalo in You Can Count on Me with Rory Culkin...

If you haven't seen this movie, you need to stop what you're doing and go add it to your Netflix queue right now. Here's the plot in a nutshell: Laura Linney plays a single mom abandoned by her ne'er-do-well husband, Josh Lucas. Mark Ruffalo plays her restless, down-on-his-luck younger brother who moves in and forms a semi-paternal bond with LL's young son. Meanwhile, Laura Linney and her bank manager boss, Matthew Broderick, are having a torrid affair. Mark Ruffalo and Rory Culkin embark on a seize-the-day road trip to find Rory's biological father. Predictably, bio-dad Josh Lucas turns out to be a total ass, Mark clocks him in the face and all hell breaks loose.

There's something about the performances in this movie that really got to me. The scenes between Mark Ruffalo and Rory Culkin are some of the most poignant, well-acted moments I've seen onscreen.

Moral of the story: Rory Culkin should do more movies. As should Kieran and Macaulay. More Culkins in more movies. Tell everyone.

xo,
Lindy

History According to Netflix

2011-07-19T09:49:00.001-04:00

Dear Phil,

Every day I get home from work, open the laptop to check my email and find Javier's most recent partially-watched Netflix movie on pause. Recently, I started keeping track of them to see if a pattern would emerge.

Here are the results:

Camelot: The Series

The Tudors

America: the Story of Us

Band of Brothers

I figure that next up will be JFK and Frost/Nixon followed by Battle Los Angeles.

xo,
Lindy

Harry Potter Week: 3D Haterade

2011-07-15T10:21:00.003-04:00

Dear Phil,

I won't get super detailed in my thoughts on Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2, because I want to give people in the blogosphere a chance to see it, but in lieu of a full debrief I do have a few general thoughts that don't have directly to do with the plot/content of the movie.

First, before we go any further I think I should go on record as saying that I've done a lot of trash talking about Steve Kloves and his writing of these movies that I feel was deserved. However, in the spirit of fairness, I also want to say that for me, this last film is easily his best work. Good on you, SK.

Second, there was one thing that detracted from my overall enjoyment last night that was not directly related to the plot itself...

The theater we went to was only showing HP7(P2) in 3D, and while I look pretty psyched in this pre-movie shot...

I've decided it's more Potter/Lennon than Potter/Bono as I previously asserted.

I found the HP 3D to be generally distracting and pointless. Honestly, I'm not sure there was a single moment that benefited from the 3D, and if anything, it was bothersome. Every few minutes for the entire length of the movie, the film would freeze for a fraction of a second, almost as though we were watching it streamed online. Occasionally, these freezes happened several times in one scene, which really took away from the emotional resonance of a particular moment. Granted this is probably the fault of the projection system at the Cobble Hill Cinema, but still. It was annoying.

So, what say you? Is 3D technology a ball of irksome nonsense or is it sometimes used in a way that's genuinely innovative and experience-enhancing? I'm willing to hear counter arguments on this, but based on last night's experience it will take a lot to get me back into a 3D movie.

Thoughts?

xo,
Lindy

P.S. Despite the 3D and my annoyance about the film freezing issue, I really loved this movie and I would see it again (in 2D) in a second. I just wouldn't want you to think I don't love these characters with my whole heart. Because I do.

Harry Potter Week: T Minus 8 Hours to Deathly Hallows Part 2

2011-07-14T16:26:00.004-04:00

Dear Phil,

Perhaps it sounds ridiculous, but I'm feeling weirdly nostalgic about the release of the final Harry Potter movie. It strikes me that this is the longest I have ever followed any book/movie franchise (come to that, have any other franchises lasted eight movies?). It feels kind of special to have been a fan of something for such a long time -- especially something that is loved by such a huge community of people all over the world -- sort of similar to how I feel about following a band's music over many years -- I start to mark different times in my life by various albums, and eventually the music becomes a part of who I am -- part of the record of my life.

In honor of the midnight release of the final Harry Potter movie -- which, it's rumored, will feature special-edition round 3D glasses so that the whole theater will look like little Potter/Bono love children -- here are my top five Potter-related memories from the the last ten years:

1. Tim read the first two books aloud to me during the summer between my freshman and sophomore year of college. When I went back to school in the fall, he recorded himself reading the last few chapters of the Chamber of Secrets onto a cassette tape and sent it to me in the mail. Seriously, I could cry right now just thinking about it.

2. I wrote the first five pages of my novel the night I saw Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban.

3. Javier discovered me sitting cross-legged in Bryant Park with the Deathly Hallows book in my lap sobbing over the death of Harry's owl.

Javi: Baby, what should we do? Want me to get you an owl as a pet?
Me: (sniffing) They're illegal to own domestically in the United States.

The next day, Javi showed up at my house with a little glass owl ornament wrapped up in a box. Bless his heart.

4. Ben, Javier and I dragged ourselves to see Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire on Thanksgiving weekend and watched the whole thing through the fog of a food coma brought on by massive amounts of stuffing, mashed potatoes, green beans, pumpkin pie and inexplicably, Peruvian chicken -- all consumed while sitting on the floor of my living room in Williamsburg.

5. In 2007, Dawn (of Idle Hands DC) and I spent eight hours in the Union Square Barnes and Noble alongside a host of Potter fans at the midnight release of the seventh novel...

Here's some highlights:

At one point, there was a guy in what may have been the most amazing owl costume we have ever seen:

The make-your-own-wand station which was -- no lie -- one of the most fun things I have ever done...

The B&N staff really outdid themselves setting out a variety of wands made of different types of wood and a list detailing the properties of each one (i.e. Oak = strength, Vine = knowledge, Holly = courage, etc). The ingredients used to adorn the wands had a similar index. Dawn chose phoenix feather, lephrechaun gold and salamander bile. I used unicorn tail hair, claubert pustules, owl feathers and a pygmy puff.

I developed a bit of a crush on this guy:

During the reading with Jim Dale, a dude in a trucker cap who appeared to be in his mid-thirties sort of wedged himself between Dawn and I. Then, this happened:

Guy: Hey.
Dawn: Hi.
Guy: How old are you?
Dawn: Um, 25.
Guy: You know I have to ask at a Harry Potter event. Heh heh.

Weird. Also, he was chewing tobacco. And spitting into a plastic dixie cup.

After the reading, the frenzy in the store escalated to a fever pitch. At one point my mom texted me to ask how many people were in the store.

My response: Thousands. I'm absolutely serious.

At midnight, Jim Dale led the crowd in a giddy countdown that was -- I swear to God -- exactly like Times Square at New Year's. The store exploded in cheers and everyone went crazy jumping up and down and waving their wands and kissing each other.

At long last, Dawn and I bought our books and fought our way out of the store through another enormous crowd, several hundred strong outside the doors, that was being held at bay on 17th street by the NYPD. No sooner had we crossed the street than a girl ran shrieking after us.

Girl: (out of breath) My friend has a red wristband and she needs your gold wristband! Sorry if it's weird, but desperate times!

Dawn charitably slid her wristband off and gave it to the girl who was a fountain of gratitude. We strolled down 4th Avenue at 1am past people crouched on curbs, reading by the light of open cell phones. Seriously, best day ever.

Bring it on, Deathly Hallows Part 2. We are ready.

xo,
Lindy

P.S. Did you notice this is our hundredth post? Makes me think we should mark the occasion by baking a cake with little tiny figurines of ourselves.

TV Wars

2011-07-11T10:22:00.002-04:00

Dear Phil,

Transcript of a conversation that occurred between Javier and I this weekend:

Javi: Baby, you want to watch Swamp People with me?

Me: No.

Javi: Why Not?

Me: Because that's like the worst show ever.

Javi: What are you watching?

Me: Ten Things I Hate About You: The TV Show

Javi: THAT'S the worst show ever.

Me: You've never even seen it.

Javi: All the shows you watch are like that -- just dudes and witches and people singing.

Fair enough.

xo,
Lindy

Harry Potter Week: The Disconcerting Hotness of Matthew Lewis

2011-07-08T10:39:00.002-04:00

Dear Phil,

Um, what's up Neville Longbottom? Nice to see you...

I'm sorry...I just need a second to recover. Because, I mean, remember this dude?

...and now, there's this:

And this:

Let's all just take a second and marvel at the kooky mystery of life, shall we? Here's a guy who went from being perhaps the most awkward looking kid/teenager ever to...well, not Jude Law territory exactly, but solidly in the Ewan McGregor camp of British-y handsome. Get it, Matthew Lewis.

See you next year in The Island 2: Clone Rhymes With Moan.

As an added bonus, here's an interview clip of the aforementioned Matthew Lewis and Tom Felton (aka Draco Malfoy) that I can only describe as heartwarming. Non-Potter enthusiasts need not bother.

xo,
Lindy

P.S. It's a testament to how completely the Harry Potter franchise has come to define my very existence that when I went to find images for this post, I only typed "Neville" into the google search field and just assumed that I would get what I needed right away. Not so. Here's a list of Nevilles that actually come out on top in the fight for google supremacy:

1. Former British Prime Minister Neville Chamberlain who declared war on Germany and led the United Kingdom into the Second World War. Alright, fine. Whatever.

2. The Neville Brothers -- New Orleans' first family of funk.

3. Everton FC captain Phil Neville who, in my opinion, resembles no one so much as a blonde Ben Stiller.

4. Someone called Neville Goddard who nobody will ever convince me is more famous than Neville Longbottom. Google ranking is starting to seem highly suspect in my mind.

And finally...

5. The great Aaron Neville. I don't know much, but I know I love him. That may be all I need to know. Well, that and my own discomfort at the awkwardness of his oddly phallic facial tattoo.

Top Five Ass-kicking Movies

2011-06-28T14:14:00.002-04:00

Dear Phil,

Today I went to my first ever kickboxing class at a boxing gym in Carroll Gardens. In celebration of that personal success (by "success" I mean that a) I actually got up in time, stumbled onto the train, and made it there, and b) I did not pass out/throw up/humiliate myself), and also because I have J.Lo's fighting stance on the brain from last week's Worst/Best post, here's my list of the top five ass-kicking movies...

5. Never Back Down

via theblogismine.com

Wait. Stop. Back up. Take your judge-y pants off and go commando with the rest of us. Yes, this movie is essentially The Karate Kid except that it takes place in Orlando, FL with rich, white kids and a high school fight club. Djimon Hounsou plays Mr. Miyagi to Sean Faris's Danielson, and some girl I've never heard of (regrettably named Baja) plays the Elizabeth Shue ex-girlfriend role. Admittedly, this not exactly a recipe for success (after all Cam Gigandet is no Johnny Lawrence). However, let me just say one thing: At one point Djimon Hounsou throws a cement block twenty five yards and then nearly strangles Sean Faris to death with his knees...

No doubt this is something we've all fantasized about doing (and by "we" I mean those of us who have seen The Lost Valentine).

4. Fighting

via imdb.com

Here's a transcript of an actual conversation that occurred between Javier and I as we were leaving the movie theater:

Javi: Eh, it was alright. I like that guy though.
Me: My movie boyfriend, Channing Tatum?
Javi: Well, you do have good taste in boyfriends.

Truthfully, this movie could've been terrible and I would still probably have enjoyed it due to a little thing I like to call the Tatum effect (Note: for reasons unknown, the Tatum effect totally failed me during G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra). That aside, there's something about Dito Montiel's movies that I find consistently affecting. They have a distinct, signature look that makes them immediately identifiable, and he manages to infuse his scenes with a lot of emotional resonance even in a movie like Fighting where the focus is more action-based. If you haven't seen A Guide to Recognizing Your Saints, you should netflix it right now.

3. Machete

via impawards.com

I'll just put it out there: This movie is not for everyone -- after all, not eveyone enjoys a film in which there is nudity, bloodshed and someone getting strangled with their own intestine. That said, Machete is for some people, and one of those people is me.* First of all, every once in a while it's nice to see Jessica Alba normal girl-ing it up in a truly heinous wig. Second, Stephen Segal has a surprisingly believable Mexican accent. And third, I have a bit of a girl crush on Michelle Rodriguez. I'm in the process of trying to persuade Javi that our next Halloween costume should involve these outfits:

*Another of those people is @silentkillerica. #soulmates.

2. Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World

via g4tv.com

I actually just watched this movie for the first time the other day, and I have to say, it was way more awesome than I expected based on seeing the trailer (you know how unobservant I am with trailers). Visually, it's actually pretty impressive (apparently they were on the short list for a visual effects Oscar nomination, but lost out at the last second to -- incredibly -- Hereafter). Also, there's something about Michael Cera's whole gangly, awkward, monotone schtick that is undeniably amusing albeit identical in every single one of his movies -- it's a good match for a film like Scott Pilgrim that is so Flash-Bang-Pow! otherwise. To hell with range, Cera. You just keep doing you.

Also, Kieran Culkin should do more movies...

via aceshowbiz.com

In fact, I'm just going to go ahead and say that all three members of the Culkin acting trio should get out there more. What's Rory Culkin doing these days? I mean besides growing his hair out to look like Daniel Day Lewis.

1. Terminator 2: Judgement Day

via imdb.com

Okay, so obviously I've stayed away from the more "classic" ass-kicking movies on this list, but it's nearly impossible to talk about kicking any degree of cinematic ass without giving Linda Hamilton and her T2 badass-ery it's proper due.

Also, what is Edward Furlong doing right this second? Raise your hand if you can name a movie he's done since American History X. Anyone? Hang on, let me google it......Okay, it turns out that, in fact, he has done no fewer than 32 movies and one TV show since 1998 of which I have seen exactly zero. I stand corrected, Edward Furlong. As I said to Michael Cera, you just keep doing you.

xo,
Lindy

Worst Slash Best

2011-06-24T16:11:00.007-04:00

Dear Phil,

Seriously, coffee must be the worst/best tasting thing in the entire world...

It's like, I register the fact that it actually tastes kind of terrible, but yet all I can feel as it passes over my taste buds is a deep and abiding sense that all is finally right with the world.

Other worst/best things:

Worst/Best album: Savage Garden by Savage Garden

via amazon.comA

Admittedly, these two make up what may be the weirdest Australian band of all time (and, you know, there's some contenders). First of all, Darren Hayes' voice sounds a little bit like the voice alteration box that Rex Harrison used in Midnight Lace. Also, who even knows what the other guy does? Does he play the guitar? Make those video game sounds for their songs? Control the voice alteration box? Why is he always hiding behind Darren?

via wikipedia.org

No idea. And yet, this album is kind of the greatest. Note: the worst/best magic did not continue with their subsequent albums (Animal Song, I'm looking at you).

Worst/Best food: White Castle Cheeseburgers

via cheese-burger.net

Alright, so clearly there are many things about White Castle burgers that are gross. I'll just list a few:

1. They're steam-fried. This is a phrase that, when applied to say, soup dumplings, sounds totally fine, but there's something about the idea of water and meat together that makes me think: Spam.

2. I'm pretty sure the onions are freeze-dried and then re-hydrated during the aforementioned steam frying.

3. God knows what the cheese is made of.

4. I'm suspect of anything that tastes as good or better in its frozen food aisle incarnation.

And yet, despite all these things those weirdly small, square burgers are so GOOD. I kid you not, these little buddies are one of the only things that I consistently miss since becoming a vegetarian. Oh man, do not get me started on the chicken rings...

Worst/Best fashion trend: UGGS

Let's face it, Ugg has done everything possible (even add sparkles!) to make their sheepskin boots look less shlubby...

...to no avail. They're still kind of terrible -- not so much in a driving blizzard when one is making the ten foot trek from the porch to the snow-tired SUV and back again, but in less appropriate climates:

And, yet -- they're just so soft, and warm, and amazing. If there was a fire in my apartment, I think I would save my zip drive and my Uggs and I wouldn't feel weird about it.

Worst/Best movie: Enough

via amazon.com

Here's the plot: Jennifer Lopez plays a demure, wilting flower waitress named Slim (I know, it's amazing) who is rescued from the unwanted advances of a lecherous customer by a dapper and charming Bill Campbell (omg, speaking of best/best movies: The Rocketeer -- nothing in Bill Campbell's career will ever be as awesome as that was). Slim and BC get married, have a daughter and spend several years in wedded/parental bliss until one day, out of nowhere, Slim discovers that BC is having a torrid affair behind her back. Slim confronts BC who decides it's finally time to unleash the psychotic, violent asshole he's kept so carefully hidden all these years. Slim takes Gracie and runs for the hills, but BC tracks her down and beats the crap out of her. Time and time again Slim manages to escape only to have BC show up and leave a jagged path of hospitalization and terror in his wake. Why, you might ask, does Slim/J.Lo not go to the police? Something about not speaking up the first time and no one believing her, etc. All I can say is thank God, because then this happens:

via metroactive.com

Slim dons the worst/best wig ever, sends Gracie on vacation with fellow waitress and BFF Juliette Lewis, and takes up Krav Maga. In short, she's had "enough" and it's time for asskicking. Slim breaks into BC's house, rigs some crazy booby traps, waits for him to come home from work/whatever-nefarious-deeds-he-gets-up-to, and assumes her fighting stance. BC puts up a good fight, but ultimately he's no match for J.Lo and the mesmerizing power of her wig/Krav Maga combo. With a burst of inhuman strength, Slim launches BC off a balcony. It's true, BC. Everyone does have a limit.

Got your own worst/best's? Lay them on me. I'm ready.

xo,
Lindy

Six Degrees of Jason Patric

2011-06-17T11:00:00.016-04:00

Dear Phil,

On the train this morning, I was thinking about my friend Elly and also, strangely, Jason Patric. The train of thought went like this:

Today is Elly's birthday --> Last year on Elly's birthday, I gave her a bottle of wine --> Remember that scene in The Lost Boys where Kiefer Sutherland makes Jason Patric drink blood out of a wine bottle? --> The Lost Boys was such a good time --> Where has Jason Patric been anyway? --> and so on. My mind is a complicated place.

Because I can never quite let something go once I've thought of it, I googled Jason Patric when I got to work and -- get ready to have your mind blown -- today is not only the day of my friend Elly's birth, but also the birthday of one, Jason Patric. No lie. In honor of that absurd coincidence, it's time for a game of Six Degrees: the Jason Patric edition...

You know the drill -- Jason Patric to Jason Patric in six movies. Let's just start with the obvious:

1. Jason Patric in Speed 2: Cruise Control with Willem Dafoe...

via palzoo.com

I haven't actually seen a "Worst Sequels Ever" list out there in any official capacity, but if there was one, Speed 2 would unquestionably be on it. In fairness, this movie had a strike against it right out of the gate (er...dock) when Keanu Reeves refused to have any part of it. The audience had to accept Sandra Bullock's character in a new relationship which no one was inclined to do given that the Keanu Reeves/Sandra Bullock chemistry was perhaps the primary factor in making the first movie a hit. In addition, the script managed to be simultaneously absurd, tedious and at times uncomfortably creepy -- who could forget Willem Dafoe sitting in the tub in the dimly lit bathroom with leeches all over his naked chest? In a word, yikes.

2. Willem Dafoe in Once Upon a Time in Mexico with Eva Mendes...

via yahoo.com

I love everything about this movie except the fact that Enrique Iglesias is in it. He is the worst. Similarly, I also love everything about Eva Mendes except for the fact that many of her movies are terrible. I always want to enjoy them because I love her -- she's beautiful; she can be both badass and funny, and if I could, I would want to look exactly like this:

via Second City Style

...but her movies are almost always a drag. It goes without say that no one loves the Fast and Furious franchise more than I do (ditto Robert Rodriguez movies), but pretty much everything else on La Mendes's resume* is either cringe-worthy (The Women, Ghost Rider, The Other Guys) or kind of forgettable (The Spirit, Hitch). Speaking of forgettable...

3. Eva Mendes in Out of Time with Dean Cain...

via fancarpet.com

Omg, remember Dean Cain? He's like Mario Lopez's better looking, less oily older brother.

4. Dean Cain in The Broken Hearts Club with Justin Theroux...

Actually, the full title is The Broken Hearts Club: A Romantic Comedy, which always makes me laugh for some reason. I love this movie -- it's the story of a group of friends living in Los Angeles that help each other negotiate the ups and downs of sex, dating and relationships -- in short, it's much like any number of romantic comedies out there, but it's one of the only movies I can think of (especially from that time period) with an entire cast of gay characters. It was written and produced by Greg Berlanti who has brought so many great things into my life (most notably, Brothers and Sisters). The cast includes Dean Cain, Timothy Olyphant, a beardless Justin Theroux, and Zach Braff with an unfortunate hair dye situation.

5. Justin Theroux directed Dedication with Billy Crudup...

via tumblr.com

Confession: I love Mandy Moore. I do. There's something about her that's so likable and cool, and I always enjoy the angsty, lovelorn characters toward which she inevitably gravitates. True to form, in Dedication, Mandy plays an angsty, lovelorn artist commissioned to illustrate a project for an OCD, emotionally crippled children's book writer played by Billy Crudup. I wouldn't say this movie is a categoric win on all fronts, bu the supporting cast is amazing (Amy Sedaris, Dianne Wiest, Tom Wilkinson), and there are lots of fun scenes of Billy Crudup acting a hot mess.

6. Billy Crudup in Sleepers with Jason Patric...

Oh, Sleepers -- the ultimate feel-bad movie of 1996. You wouldn't necessarily think that a movie involving an almost-death by hot dog cart, child rape, vigilante justice, and a scandalously corrupt murder trial would be a good time, but somehow it is.

Strangely, I often forget Jason Patric was in this movie which makes it just one in a lengthy list of films in which Jason Patric is, for all intents and purposes, the lead, and yet no one really remembers he was in them (Sorry JP, but you know it's true). If I say "The Lost Boys," who do you think of? Kiefer Sutherland, right? Maybe Corey Feldman/Haim? What about Narc? Ray Liotta, all the way. In Sleepers, Jason Patric actually narrates the movie in the first person and yet, who among us would list him before the host of more famous co-stars (Brad Pitt, Robert DeNiro, Kevin Bacon, Dustin Hoffman etc)? Exactly, nobody. Jason Patric: the least memorable movie star in Hollywood. Happy Birthday, JP.

(And Elly).

xo,
Lindy

*Yes, I know I didn't mention Training Day. Deal with it.

Green Lantern Tutorial

2011-06-08T10:36:00.002-04:00

Dear Phil,

Transcipt of conversation with Tim during yesterday's viewing of X-Men: First Class...

Me: Alright, let's start calling the previews right now.
Tim: I'm going to say Twilight.
Me: You mean The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1?
Tim: There's two parts to that?
Me: Yeah, they split it into two like Harry Potter.
Tim: [shakes head]
Me: Green Lantern?
Tim: I could never really get into the Green Lantern comics.
Me: I'd never even heard of it before they started making the movie.
Tim: It's lame.
Me: What are his powers?
Tim: He can make things out of green light to fight with using his will power.
Me: Like a dragon?
Tim: No, more like a big green fist or a sword. He has a ring that gives him his power.
Me: But where did he get this ring?
Tim: An alien crash landed and gave it to him.
Me: Huh.
Tim: I know, it's like the nerdiest stuff ever. And then he puts on the ring and it transports him to a planet of green lanterns--
Me: Wait, they're actual lanterns?
Tim: No, they're guys who also have rings.
Me: Oh.
Tim: They can't fight things that are yellow because yellow is the color of fear.
Me: Fear is the great incapacitator.
Tim: Oh, and he's a renegade pilot before he becomes the Green Lantern.
Me: Renegade? Like a test pilot? Like Maverick?
Tim: Yeah, except he's not with the army.
Me: What do you mean he's not with the army? He just flies around?
Tim: He does his own thing.
Me: Like a street racer but of the skies?
Tim: Exactly.

Weirdly, I'm actually much more excited about The Green Lantern now that it sounds kind of like The Fast and The Furious. Except in space. And with superheroes...

via geekactually

xo,
Lindy

The Voice: Can We Take Away the Families and the Weird War Propaganda Undertones?

2011-06-07T10:10:00.006-04:00

Dear Phil,

Alright, yes -- I have been watching The Voice. That was predictable wasn't it? Given my already ardent love for televised singing competitions and spending quality time with Christina Aguilera, the whole thing was kind of inevitable. I think my friend Aquino really said it best...

Aquino: Of course you're into The Voice -- it has everything you love: a Bruno Mars wannabe, a lesbian rocker, black girl divas with soul voices, and Christina Aguilera.

So true. However, despite the fact that I have now watched each and every episode on Hulu, there a few things about the show that give me pause...

First, and most glaringly, there's the obnoxious set design and marketing campaign...

via nbc.com

I sort of feel as though at any second Howie Mandel and 26 models in matching dresses are going to bum-rush me with suitcases. Could we not just have a regular, less ridiculous set instead of a stage that's a cross between an enormous, backlit boxing ring and the dance floor from Saturday Night Fever? Also, not to get too creepy here, but there's an unsettling similarity to World War II propaganda posters that makes me feel weird...

...so much red and gray!

Second, we need to get rid of the families in the green room. Basically, the first few weeks of the show were entirely taken up by "blind" auditions in which the four judges were seated on giant rotating armchairs that faced away from the contestants. Each contestant took the stage, performed a song and hoped for one or more of the judges to select them for their team. All this would've been mostly fine if you ignored the aforementioned over-the-top production elements and just focused on enjoying the singing. However, during said performances, there were frequent cuts to the contestants' families watching backstage from the green room. It's hard to convey how unspeakably awkward it was watching parents yell, "Come on! Someone TURN AROUND!" in a sort of uncomfortable, desperate way. Seriously, I had to leave the room a few times. This is why I can never ever watch Toddlers and Tiaras.

Third, Carson Daly...

via nbc.com

Okay, I kind of see NBC's thought process here -- Who will be our Ryan Seacrest? How about another former radio DJ who hosted the most famous music video show of the nineties? The problem is Seacrest was relatively unknown (if you don't count me and the rest of his Southern California afternoon radio fan base) before American Idol catapulted him to supernova fame and fortune. He started off obscure and had nowhere to go but up. Conversely, Carson Daly already reached his fame peak a full decade ago...

via ebay.com

Also, say what you will about Ryan Seacrest, he hits the Idol stage and he is on. He seems genuinely unconcerned and unselfconscious about appearing cheesy or ridiculous and just concentrates on selling it. Not so with Carson Daly, who is still working the same listless, who-gives-a-shit monotone that characterized his TRL days. Maybe Carson should bring back the black nail polish (and with it, his mojo).

To sum up -- yes, obviously there are some elements of The Voice that are largely nonsense. However, there's also this:

Are you kidding me? Blake Shelton, Cee Lo, Christina Aguilera and Adam Levine banding together to form a pop supergroup? To that I say, Y-E-S. Here's my suggestion: Get rid of the parents and the unsettling WWII imagery and just have the judges blow the roof off a radio hit at the top of the hour. Then, bring out the contestants and have them go head-to-head in a no-frills, all-about-the-voices competition in which Carson Daly acts like a normal, moderately enthusiastic person as opposed to alternating between a replacement announcer for the WWE and a cyborg. Why can't that happen? #ifirantheworld

(I'm trying to improve my hashtag humor).

xo,
Lindy

Bilingual Stars Showdown: Bradley Cooper Vs. Everyone

2011-06-03T12:50:00.002-04:00

Dear Phil,

Alright, so I know this video is everywhere this week (to me Jezebel.com constitutes everywhere), and to be honest, I'm not sure why I find it so deeply impressive, but I do...

Probably it's partly because I'm always terrified in these types of situations (I'm grouping family dinners with my future in-laws and nationally televised interviews under the heading "these types of situations").

Truthfully, I don't speak French at all (to the point where I routinely had to ask my college roommate and best friend, Janelle at O Chickadee, to translate the one or two phrases of French found in Jane Eyre), so I can't understand a single word Bradley Cooper is saying in this video (except for "Las Vegas" because I do speak Spanish. Zing!). However, I hope that at some point in that mass of impressive rambling en françias, B.Coop explains how a dude from Philadelphia learned to speak French like that.

Also, this video got me curious about other celebrities who may or may not be able to deliver coherent press interviews in other languages. The results are kind of a mixed bag...

Exhibit A: Will Smith in Spanish...

Okay, so obviously this attempt is significantly less impressive than B.Coop, but God bless Will for trying, right? There's actually something kind of endearing about this clip to me, but maybe I just see all that manic nodding and smiling that he hopes will disguise the incomprehension and panic in his eyes and feel solidarity.

Exhibit B: Joseph Gordon Levitt in French...

A couple of things: 1) The production quality is a little weird here, no? If JGL's French was better I would actually think it was dubbed because the sound is like a fraction of a second off the playback. Also, JGL is sort of mumbling which makes the whole thing even more muddled. 2) Watching this video, don't you feel strangely proud of how JGL has grown up into a bona fide leading man?

via newsodrome.com

Get it, JGL.

Exhibit C: Natalie Portman in Hebrew...

This clip makes me envious for several reasons. First, Hebrew strikes me as an incredibly difficult language to speak, so hats off to Natalie there. Second, I am insanely jealous of Natalie Portman, Demi Moore, that girl from Top Chef, and other miscellaneous brunettes that can rock the shaved head and look amazing. Blonde girls can't really pull it off (Britney Spears, you know what I'm talking about). Look for an upcoming postcard from me entitled: "Damn Their Hot Shaved Heads."

This one is my favorite...

Exhibit D: Kobe Bryant in Spanish...

Not bad, right? Honestly, when I saw this clip pop up on youtube, I thought it was going to be a disaster, but Kobe kind of worked it out. And as if that weren't enough...

Exhibit E: Kobe Bryant in Italian...

Really, Kobe? Is it not enough to be a world class athlete, five time NBA champion and a gold medalist? Nobody likes a show off.

xo,
Lindy

Six Degrees of Heidi Klum

2011-06-01T15:34:00.003-04:00

Dear Phil,

Today is Heidi Klum's 38th birthday...

In her honor, I've decided to dedicate today's postcard to a new game I like to call "Six Degrees of Heidi Klum." Many of us may admire La Klum for her work with Project Runway, Victoria's Secret, or her truly awesome dedication to Halloween, but in my opinion, she doesn't get enough credit for her sparse and bizarre, yet oddly satisfying filmography. With that said, here's how the game works: Start with a Heidi Klum movie and bring it back to another Heidi Klum movie in six moves or less. Here we go...

1. Heidi Klum in Blow Dry...

Truly, I could not love this movie any more than I do. I'm not kidding about this: it is amazing. Here's the plot in a nutshell: Alan Rickman stars as Phil Allen, a world class extreme hair stylist competing for his second win at the British Hairdressing Championships (by the way, lest you think this is not a real thing, it totally is). However, on the night before the finals, his hair model runs off with his wife, leaving him disgraced and humilitated -- unsurprisingly, the world of extreme hairstyling is fraught with high drama. Phil returns to his Yorkshire home to live out the rest of his days as a small town barber, only to be coaxed from retirement years later by his son (played by the implausibly cast Josh Hartnett) and his estranged lesbian ex-wife, Natasha Richardson. Phil rises to the challenge, dusts off his scissors and reunites with former hair muse Rachel Griffiths to take home the trophy...

In case you need further convincing, Blow Dry was written by Simon Beaufoy who also wrote Slumdog Millionaire.

2. Alan Rickman in Love Actually with Chiwetel Ejiofor...

I would venture to say that Love Actually is one of only two Christmas movies made in the last twenty years (along with The Muppets Christmas Carol) that have earned their place in the pantheon of yuletide classics that garner repeat viewings year after year. Chiwetel Ejiofor plays Kiera Knightley's morally suspect groom whose bachelor party involves male Brazillian prostitutes.

By the way, am I the only one that thinks Chiwetel Ejiofor would be about a hundred times more famous if his name wasn't impossible to pronounce? I mean, he's handsome and a good actor and he's done a million movies -- there's no reason for him not to be the next Denzel Washington, except for the fact that when people talk about him, they're like, "You know, that guy." It's a tough one.

3. Chiwetel Ejiofor in Inside Man with Christopher Plummer...

Denzel: I told you, Chiwetel. Should've changed your name. Might've been you in this oddly sexy mustache.
Chiwetel: No, man. I gotta keep doing me, for real.
Denzel: Two oscars, friend. Two oscars.

This Spike Lee joint also stars the incomparable Christopher Plummer as an aging banker who turns out to be a former Nazi sympathizer. Which actually makes it the fifth movie (that I know of) that he's done that involves a Nazi subplot (six if you count the TV miniseries he did with Alec Baldwin). Speaking of Nazis...

4. Christopher Plummer in Sound of Music with Julie Andrews...

via christopherplummer.eu

I'm going to be honest, I'm a way bigger fan of Christopher Plummer as an aging, bearded grandfather-type than I was of him as a young leading man. There's always been something about Captain Von Trapp and his stern, bossy ways that I found deeply unlikable. Case in point: Rolfe was totally ready to put down his whistle, hand over the gun and renounce his loyalty to the Führer if CVT hadn't gotten condescending...

Nobody likes a bossypants, Captain. Although, in fairness, Rolfe was kind of a tool anyway. Thank God for Julie Andrews...

5. Julie Andrews in The Princess Diaries with Anne Hathaway...

I think Whitney Houston said it best...

Whitney Houston: "[Julie Andrews] is our queen. I know she's from England, but she belongs to us."

There you have it. Whitney has spoken. By the way, how much do I wish that I could ride in a pretend car in my living room with Hector Elizondo at the wheel? Answer: so much.

6. Anne Hathaway in Ella Enchanted with Heidi Klum...

Weirdly, I remember the exact day I saw this movie because I actually blogged about it before I went to the theater back in 2004. It's hard not to get behind a movie that involves Anne Hathaway singing a rousing rendition of Queen's "Somebody to Love" backed up by a chorus of drunken giants. Not to mention, an unlikely love connection between a disgruntled elf and an amorous giantess named Brumhilda played by none other than Heidi Klum...

...Which brings us full circle. Happy Birthday, Heidi.

I'm just going to put this out there: I wouldn't be opposed to the idea of a Heidi Klum-Seal remake of The Bodyguard. Genius, no? Seal as an international superstar plagued by cryptic death threats. La Klum as the badass former marine-turned FBI agent assigned to the case. Spike Lee could direct and add a little Jungle Fever racial tension to the mix. And, Christopher Plummer could have a cameo that somehow involves Nazis. Think about it, Hollywood. That's all I'm saying.

xo,
Lindy

True Story

2011-05-27T10:26:00.003-04:00

Dear Phil,

Yesterday night I was outside The Strand (perusing the dollar stacks as I am wont to do) when suddenly this happens:

Random guy: Excuse me.
Me: [No response - I actually thought he was talking to someone else]
Guy: [more insistent] Excuse me!
Me: [Turning around and realizing that indeed, he is talking to me]
Guy: Have you read this book before?

Here is the book he holds up:

What I said: No.
What I should have said: Creepy much?

Bizarre.

xo,
Lindy

American Idol Season Finale

2011-05-26T12:30:00.004-04:00

Dear Phil,

Here's how it went down...

8:01pm -- I always get nervous when Ryan starts the show standing in the pit of fans around the stage. Ryan's not a big dude. Seriously, I once stood behind him in line at Starbucks and I'm not sure I'd use the word "elfin," but he's certainly no Dwayne "the Rock" Johnson. I just have to wonder how many highly trained specialists are seated strategically in the crowd that could have him backstage and into a safety pod in seconds if anything went South...

8:07pm -- The top thirteen's first group number is Lady Gaga's Born this Way. It's fine, but I can't be the only one who assumes that any song performed during the finale is going to have some star power, right? I've gotta believe Gaga refused to perform with the contestants unless they all agreed to massage her naked body with raw eggs on stage.

8:12pm -- I think it's safe to say I would never be able to pick Judas Priest out of a lineup.

8:15pm -- Elly and Marie and I debate whether or not Bristol Palin actually had plastic surgery. Elly is adamant. I'm unconvinced.

8:19pm -- Jacob and Gladys Knight take the stage with a skinny guy in a brown suit who turns out to be Kirk Franklin (although, truth be told, I didn't actually know who he was until this morning, so for most of the performance I thought he was an overly enthusiastic back up singer looking for a somewhat awkward moment in the sun. Apologies, K.Frank).

8:27pm -- Casey Abrams and Jack Black perform Queen's Fat Bottomed Girls, and for whatever reason I'm reminded of the week when Rob Reiner mentored the contestants: "Why couldn't you be Seth Rogen's younger, more musical, more talented brother? Why couldn't that happen?"

8:29pm -- Casey and Jack exit stage left while Ryan gives the hard sell for Kung Fu Panda 2 and erases any tender feelings that were growing in my heart about Jack Black loving American Idol as much as I do.

8:34pm -- Beyoncé!

8:35pm -- Guys, Lady B is fierce.

8:43pm -- I'm just going to say it: Tony Bennett is not for me.

8:47pm -- Omg, are TLC getting back together? Can they really still be TLC without Left Eye? Also, look at Chili's abs...

via soulculture.co.uk

I'm ninety percent sure she and T-Boz aren't really singing, but I don't even care.

8:49pm -- Ryan: "Nice abs." Ryan is my soul twin.

8:58pm -- Ryan's in J.Lo's seat. Does this mean Jennifer is performing? Are Marc and Jennifer performing together?!

9:01pm -- Yes!

9:03pm -- I think I love it. J.Lo and Beyoncé should totally have a booty shake competition backstage...

The thing is, I'm a tad weirded out that J.Lo didn't sing at all, but let's face it, the last time these two did a duet together in public it was a little rough. Maybe this could be their new thing? Marc sings while Jennifer dances around? Everybody wins.

9:05pm -- James Durbin and Casey Abrams are debating whose elimination was more shocking to America, and the whole segment is surprisingly amusing. Also, if there's a person out there who looks more like a real life Disney princess than Pia, I don't know who it is.

9:10pm -- I'm just now realizing that Scotty resembles no one so much as the Mad Magazine kid...

9:12pm -- Tom Jones and Tony Bennett are the same person in my mind.

9:22pm -- GAGA!

via: thehollywoodgossip.com

I'm starting to believe Lady Gaga is just messing with middle America at this point.

9:33pm -- Lauren and Carrie Underwood team up on Before He Cheats. It's mostly awesome, but watching them together, I feel pretty strongly that Lauren needs a bit more experience under her belt. Her voice is totally going toe-to-toe with Carrie's, but her stage presence is drastically inferior. Carrie's stomping around like she owns the place, and Lauren looks a little like it's the first day of high school. If I'd been producing this show, I would've had the two of them singing towards each other and vibing off each other's energy -- I feel like that would've helped Lauren loosen up a bit rather than standing sort of stiffly by Carrie's side...

Regardless, I'm kind of feeling Carrie's outfit.

9:36pm -- While I couldn't be more thrilled to see a second Beyoncé number, I sort of wish she would bring out Jay-Z. Perform together! It's couple's night! Just ask Marc and Jennifer.

9:40pm -- Pause as I have my mind blown by the fact that Mariah Carey has named her kid "Moroccan Cannon." Girl, wtf.

9:47pm -- There are a couple of reasons I'm not enjoying this U2/Spiderman thing. First of all, it's kind of boring. Second, there are only ten minutes left in this broadcast and at least thirty seconds of that time are probably dedicated to announcing the winner. That means there are only like 8 minutes and 30 seconds left in which Steven Tyler and Lauren could perform a duet of Don't Want to Miss a Thing.

9:54pm -- OMG Steven is not in his seat! Is it happeneing?

9:55pm -- Okay, it's not my Don't Want to Miss a Thing duet with Lauren (Why not producers? Missed opportunity). But still, I'll take Steven Tyler at the piano singing Dream On. That's fine too.

10:01pm -- Idol is running long, friends. Thank God I'm not watching this on DVR.

10:04pm -- Scotty is the winner. And in the span of about three and a half minutes the following things happen:

Scotty kisses Lauren on the mouth...

Scotty croons his single, does a hug gauntlet with his family, and leaves Jack Black hanging...

Scotty finishes his song and collapses into a weeping mess on the stage...

At some point there's nothing left to do but eat the confetti falling from the ceiling...

Followed by more Lauren/Scotty kissing...

Is it wrong for me to wish that Scotty would've ended the broadcast by throwing aside his microphone, gathering Lauren in his arms and yelling, "Baby, I may have won American Idol, but you won my heart."

Sigh.

xo,
Lindy

Water For Elephants Follow Up

2011-05-24T16:09:00.004-04:00

Dear Phil,

If you remember, I was pretty excited about the recent Water for Elephants release. I wouldn't say I was in full countdown mode like I was for say, Fast Five, but still -- decent anticipation level. However, somehow amidst all the travel craziness of the last month, I didn't get to the theater until a few days ago, and all things considered, I'm sort of glad I didn't rush right out on opening weekend because I think my lukewarm reaction would've felt like more of a letdown. As it is, I'm left feeling sort of neutral on the whole endeavor.

via Rotten Tomatoes

I'm not one of those people that needs the film adaptations of the books she loves to mirror their literary counterparts in every detail. I actually kind of prefer seeing a movie take some risks and use the visual tools in their arsenal to expand and deepen the experience of the story. However, I do maintain that the success or failure of adaptations rises and falls on their ability to be at least as compelling if not more so than their source material. Somehow, the Water For Elephants script couldn't capture the excitement that I felt reading the book. The pace of the movie seemed a little bit slow and the suspense and tension between the characters was significantly less palpable.

Predictably, I read a bunch of reviews before I went to the theater, the most memorable of which was:

"Isn't it OK, once in a while, just to enjoy the spectacle of two beautiful people kissing in a train car in the shadow of an elephant?" -- Dana Stevens for Slate via Rotten Tomatoes

I don't know, is it? If the question she's really asking is can great romantic chemistry cover a multitude of sins, then the answer is undeniably yes, right? Let's discuss:

Titanic? Kind of sucked, but the Kate-Leo BFF lovefest? Can't get enough.

Nobody loves Speed more than me, but it could be argued that the intangible Keanu Reeves/Sandra Bullock magic gives it a staying power it might not otherwise have had.

Would Dirty Dancing be a good movie if it weren't for P.Swayze and a pre-nose job Jennifer Gray? I'm not saying a categoric no on that one, but it's out there.

It strikes me that Water For Elephants's inability to deliver on this particular point was probably its most critical problem.

Which brings me to the, um...elephant in the room: R.Patz. Here's the deal, he's not my guy. If there are, in fact, teams, I think I've made my membership clear. However, I recognize that not everyone feels that way. Case in point: this recent conversation with my roommate via gchat...

Me: I need your thoughts on something important.
Shannon: I'm ready.
Me: Robert Pattinson. Go.
Shannon: <3. I think that about sums it up. If I could make the heart white and glittery, I would.
Me: In my blog I'm going to say that you tattooed a heart on your own arm with a needle and a ball point pen.
Shannon: White-out would be more appropriate.

Shannon's not alone, right? Clearly there's some intense Pattinson devotion in the zeitgeist, and I will admit to being somewhat fascinated by the mushroom cloud of fame that is the Twilight franchise and its ability to catapult its cast to Beatles status among the throngs of adoring fans. That said, I'm just going to say it: Reese Witherspoon and Robert Pattinson? Not the red hot screen couple one would wish for on a project like this. First of all, R.Patz is like two years old, no? A quick check confirms that he is, in fact, 25, and Reese Witherspoon is easily 35 if she's a day. Now, I'm not saying that La Witherspoon is not breathtakingly beautiful...

...or that ten years is really that big a deal relative to say, Ashton and Demi. After all, Kate Winslet and that kid from The Reader had chemistry in spades. But, in this movie there was something about Reese's interaction with R.Patz that read big sister (if not downright maternal) rather than, you know, a Ryan Gosling/Rachel McAdams passion for the ages. In fact, weirdly, Reese Witherspoon actually had a bit more of a spark with murderous villain, Christoph Waltz...

...who, incidentally, was amazing and may have saved this movie for me. How does he do that? How does he manage to be such a pleasure to watch work while consistently playing these abhorrent characters? The mind boggles.

xo,
Lindy

American Idol: Three's Company

2011-05-20T14:29:00.002-04:00

Dear Phil,

Alright so, two things before we get started...

a) I know I've been remiss in posting our Idol coverage these last two weeks, but in my defense I was busy helping to pull off the most fun wedding ever...

b) If the world really does end tomorrow as the people outside with signs have been telling me then it's likely the break in our Idol commentary will be overlooked in light of more serious offenses (silver lining).

Regardless, there is much to say. Let's all settle in here because we have some catching up to do. First, a few thoughts on the past two weeks...

1. Haley Reinhart -- I don't want this to be a big deal between us or for you to read more into it than necessary, but for what it's worth, I think the judges were totally wrong about this performance:

Truly, it was great. I think it was one of the first times I started to get what you're about as a performer. Also, your pants were awesome.

2. Fare thee well James Durbin...

It's no secret that we were not your biggest fans, and frankly, your ass-yness only seemed to increase in the last two weeks. I think the real problem for me with you was always a lack of authenticity in your rock performances (it's hard to imagine Jared Leto ever running a high five gautlet). Also -- let's face it -- I'm not the only one that thinks you look a teeny bit like what would've happened if Chunk and Sloth conceived a love child. But, I've got to believe the real nail in the coffin for you was getting snooty about Lady Gaga grabbing your (ever-expanding) ass...

Really, Durbin? If Gaga wants to sniff your nether regions in the name of performance greatness, then by God, you let her do it. Still, despite aiming our crankiness in your general direction more often than not, we do wish you well. Go forth and sell your albums to people who are not us.

Moving on to the final three...

This week we open with a few token star-spotting shots of the crowd.

Aquino: Is that Elijah Wood?
Me: Standing next to a dude in a dog costume?
Aquino: Let's rewind.

Indeed. A dude in a dog costume. I have to believe this is some kind of shameless plug for a TV show, but my lingering middle-school ardor for Elijah Wood has waned to such a degree that I don't care enough to google it.

Ryan's narrating the intro video for this week's mentor, and we only need one glance at that childhood home movie to recognize a five year old Beyoncé. First Gaga, now Beyoncé. Brian, Aquino and I throw our hands up and lift our eyes to the heavens in a silent Halleluiah to the God who created divas.

Aquino: Beyoncé! She's the queen of black people. [pause] Okay no, Michelle Obama is.
Brian: What about Oprah?
Aquino: Oprah transcends race.
Brian: Yeah, and Oprah kind of created Michelle Obama.
Me: Michelle Obama sprang from Oprah's head fully armed like Athena.

Scotty McCreery: This just in -- Beyoncé loves Scotty...

Beyoncé: I love Scotty!
Brian: Beyonce has bigger shoulders than Scotty.
Me: It's like every week there are new humiliations for Scotty and his arms.

Here's the issue: Scotty's singing Amazed by Lonestar, which is, admittedly, a great song. However, Scotty's not a power country singer. He has an amazing voice, but it's undeniably more Johnny Cash than the Rascal Flatts guy. Another problem with this song is that listening to him, I don't actually believe Scotty's ever really been amazed (so to speak) by a woman. He's connecting with the audience as a performer, but he's not really connected to the song itself. That said, we're having a hard time focusing on Scotty's romantic experience or lack thereof because we're distracted by the judges and their accoutrement...

Aquino: Why do I just love Steven Tyler's hair? I think it's so cute and it makes me want feathers. As soon as my hair is long enough to hide feathers in I'm doing it.
Brian: What's happening with Randy's tie?
Me: Omg, what do you mean? I love a novelty plaid.

Lauren Alaina: Beyoncé starts off Lauren's mentoring sesh with a little pep talk about creating a character on stage to combat natural insecurity and shyness, and suddenly, Brian, Aquino and I all have light bulbs over our heads. Yes! Lauren needs a Sasha Fierce! Beyoncé is so wise.

Lauren's singing Wild One by Faith Hill, but it's hard to pay attention to why Lauren picked this song because I am so enamored with Beyoncé's satin romper halter...

Fingers crossed that Lady B's empathetic wisdom will help Lauren push through the anxiety wall she's been fighting since her original audition.

Okay, first of all, Lauren's outfit is killing me. It's hard to say what the worst part is really...

Is it the sparkly boots? The clashing pink and red? The luau jewelry? It's all terrible. I mean, she sounds great, but it's like--

Brian: I can't hear her over those earrings.

Exactly.

Haley Reinhart: I don't know what's happening, but it's like after all these weeks of Haley-hating, some of her weirdness is finally starting to fall into place for me. For example, thinking about Haley growing up with 70's rockers for parents really explains a lot about her personality, and lends an authenticity to her whole vibe that I haven't felt previously. Don't get me wrong, I'm probably never going to buy Haley's album, but I don't dislike her quite as much as I did before. Who knows, maybe finally being free of James Durbin has put me in a benevolent mood.

Haley's first song is What is and What Should Never Be by Led Zeppelin with Papa Reinhart on lead guitar (all right, yes, I admit it -- the father-daughter rocker thing is melting my heart a little bit).

So, there's no delicate way to say this. Haley tripped on the stairs and fell on her ass. That said, I actually thought she rocked that song out, kind of. Also, Haley's tumble brought us this week's tender moment with Steven Tyler:

Steven Tyler: It's not about how many times you fall. It's about how many times you get up.

I don't even have to google that to know I'd probably find it in his memoir.

For Scotty McCreery's second number, they're rolling the tape of Scotty's original audition. Brian, Aquino, and I are all thinking the same thing: thank God Scotty's hair has grown out...

The second round of songs has been chosen for the final three by Jimmy Iovine, and it has to be said, Producer Jimmy is a little bit of a genius. His pick for Scotty, Are You Going to Kiss Me Or Not by Thompson Square is exactly the kind of song Scotty should be singing, and I think it's our favorite Scotty performance ever.

The judges are loving it as well, but then J.Lo gives Scotty a heartfelt plea to cut his hair short again which causes Aquino to come running back in from the kitchen cursing J.Lo's name.

Aquino: No! J.Lo! What are you saying?!
Brian: He's going to be like the E-trade baby.

(Note: that might be the funniest thing Brian has ever said to me).

We come back from commercial to find Lauren backstage with the stylist getting her legs make-upped. Weird. Cut to a clip of Lauren's original audition in the Grand Ole Opry, which will probably live on as one of my most favorite moments ever on American Idol...

Aquino: Where's this girl?
Me: Where are you, Lauren?
Brian: She got blogged about.

Alright really, Lauren's performance of The Band Perry's If I Die Young is fine, but it's like night and day from her original audition confidence-wise. She missed her key change, but even that's not the real problem. The song was perfect for her (Jimmy = genius), but it's like she can't get out of her own head. She could've really had a moment with this song, but it didn't quite happen. What's wrong Lauren? Were you too young for this? Did you try out too soon? Talk to us, baby girl.

Jimmy's pick for Haley Reinhart is Rhiannon by Fleetwood Mac. If I wasn't feeling all warm and fuzzy over Haley this week, I might be annoyed because I love, love this song. In my opinion, Haley's version is just okay. To be honest, the first part of the song before the tempo change is really stronger for me, but it is a good fit for her voice (Jimmy = three for three). At some point, they turn on a wind machine and it just gets weird...

Me: It's too much like one of those music videos you can pay to make yourself in the mall.
Brian: You can make your own music videos in the mall?
Me: You can at the Antelope Valley Fair.
Brian: Oh.

Don't judge me, Brian. You're from Nebraska. The final round of songs this week is chosen by the judges and delivered to the contestants on their hometown visits. Frankly, we're all a bit skeptical that the judges picks can live up to the Producer Jimmy selections, but we're willing to keep an open mind.

Scotty's hometown visit: Okay first of all, he's standing on the conveyor belt at the grocery store check out counter, which I mean, please. Second, the judges assign him She Believes in Me by Kenny Rogers. Really, judges? This is the worst idea ever. It's boring and it's not really his style of song -- it's throwback, but in a bad eighties way, not a good, Merle Haggard way.

Aquino [to Scotty]: All this makes me think is, "you don't have the big-sized voice" which you don't need anyway, because you have other things that are just as good. Why are they exploiting your weaknesses?

Cut to the audience where, no lie, Scotty's mom is wearing pearls. Ryan forces Scotty's dad to sing into the microphone, which we're all mortified by until it actually works out okay -- kind of like that time in high school when the principal forced me to come up on stage in the assembly and lead the whole school in a song a cappella -- except that the Idol audience is the entire free world, rather than the four hundred people who attended DCHS.

The judges' pick for Lauren is, predictably, I Hope You Dance by LeAnn Womack. There is almost no song that we hate more than this one, and it starts Aquino on a tirade about La Womack's grammy win.

That said, we're ready for Lauren to go for broke here. At this point with her, it's like, "What the hell do you have to lose?" We're considering starting a chant to that effect as her intro video is rolling. If you go down, at least go down swinging. Leave it all out on the field Lauren! And, honestly, there are a couple of moments in the song where I'm totally convinced she is doing just that, but it still doesn't feel like she's really giving us everything she has in her arsenal. Hmmm. The judges don't agree. It's a Lauren love fest until Steven and Randy start competing over who's better friends with LeAnn Womack.

For Haley, the judges choose You Oughta Know by Alanis Morissette and we are all extremely concerned. The peace we've made with Haley is still so new and fragile, and we're pretty sure it can't withstand the butchering of a Jagged Little Pill alum.

And...our fears are realized, mostly. Here's the thing: When you're singing "every time I scratch my nails down someone else's back I hope you feel it" you're not supposed to be smiling are you? Aquino is totally with me on this:

Aquino: You cannot approach "You Oughta Know" with a smile!
Me: Right? There's rage in this song! And she's giving me coy/sexy.
Aquino: [Sigh]

I feel like the real proof of our position can be found with a simple test: Try watching Haley's performance with the sound off. Go ahead, we'll wait. What emotion is it that comes through from her when you can't hear the music or the words? Does it seem like her heart just got mangled beyond repair and she's back to avenge it? Does it seem like she's carrying the weight of someone else's cross on her shoulders? Exactly.

All that said, I'll say this about Haley -- despite the fact that she is obviously not my personal cup of tea, I can't deny that she came out fighting these last few weeks. I can't keep shouting at the top of my voice for Lauren to leave everything out on stage without acknowledging that Haley routinely does exactly that. Go ahead, girl.

Get ready, people. Here comes the finale...

xo,
Lindy

Fast Five Predictions

2011-05-03T22:17:00.003-04:00

Dear Phil,

T minus 25 minutes until our pilgrimage to Fast Five. Here's the Parker/Fox/Bailey/Vega family predictions:

Dad: Lots of exploding cars.

Javi: I want to see Michelle Rodriguez, but she's dead now.

Me: What if it turns out Leti isn't dead at all, she's just been in rehab? Oh wait...

Phil: I predict Vin Diesel will wear a T-shirt. It will be tight around the arms, and it may be a v-neck. He might also shave his head for this movie.

Me: And displaying feats of strength that are actually impossible in the physical universe.

Lindsey: I heard that someone drove a car onto a boat in the second movie. Can we top that? Can he drive a car out of an airplane?

Mandy: I predict Paul Walker will be as great an actor as ever.

Tim: New emotional depths.

Me: Eva Mendes will return and challenge Jordana Brewster to a quarter-mile race for Paul Walker's heart.

Mom: Oh, who cares.

Bring it on Justin Lin, we are ready.

xo,
Lindy

American Idol Week Eight: Karaoke King

2011-05-02T10:49:00.003-04:00

Dear Phil,

Before we get to the performances, let me just touch on something we haven't really talked about yet this season, namely Ryan Seacrest and his suits. I mean, damn, they just fit so well.

Aquino: I miss him dressing a little more trendy. Let's get back to that.
Me: No, you're wrong. He's perfect.

Ryan starts the party off right by introducing Kenneth "Babyface" Edmonds as the contestants' mentor this week, and well, thank God.

Me: Babyface is the mentor?
Aquino: I hope so.
Me: Yeah, cause I need to look at a prettier face than Producer Jimmy's.

Tonight the contestants are singing the songs of songwriting legend Carole King, and I think Aquino's sentiment pretty well sums up our feelings:

Aquino: This is not the top six I wanted it to be.

To be honest, we're all a little out of sorts and cranky at this point that we've had to watch so many of our favorites go home whilst James and Haley sit smugly on the velvet sofa of safety. Also, is it terrible to say that I'm not sure Carole King's music is really that well suited to this competition? That said, Babyface is unconcerned, he thinks the songs will help reveal greater depths of the contestants' talent.

Babyface: I want to really find their essence and see them shine.
Brian: Well, a couple of them don't have any essence.
Me: I wonder who's going to sing the Gilmore Girls theme song.

Jacob Lusk: It feels a bit to me like Jacob is yo-yo-ing between kind of morose and self-doubting and manic-happy and excited from week to week and it's making me feel a little anxious. I mean, one week he's wearing head-to-toe beige and now this:

photo: bumpshack.com

Me: Oh man. Look at this outfit.
Aquino: I love it. I would totally wear that.
Me: It's just this side of Louis Farrakhan. But I don't mind.
Brian: It's gay Farrakhan.

I got to say, Jacob's version of whatever this song is isn't doing anything for me.

Me: What's this song called again?
Brian: Something about girls and babies.

It seems to me Jacob is best when he's really connected to the song he's singing in a personal way, but I'm not really buying his connection tonight. His manic energy is making the whole thing feel a little too Stefano Langone. That said, I am sort of enjoying Jacob's sweet dance moves. Stephen Tyler is totally with me on this.

Stephen Tyler: We all knew you could sing, 'bout time you shook your tail feathers.

As we go to commercial, Ryan spends a few seconds fixing Jacob's bow tie, which is oddly sweet.

Lauren Alaina: Remember when I was wondering who would pick the Gilmore Girls theme song? I should've totally guessed it would be the contestant most likely to watch that show.

Incredibly, Producer Jimmy is still trying to make up for the Miley Cyrus trashing of two weeks ago. This week he actually trots Miley herself out to make nice with Lauren and prove there's no hard feelings. At first, we're thinking this is just a ridiculous way to stop the Miley fans from sending Producer Jimmy hate mail, but hearing La Cyrus tell Lauren to give the haters the proverbial middle finger is actually weirdly poignant given Miley's ongoing onslaught of paparazzi fire.

For sure the weirdest part of Lauren's performance is the moment when she takes a random audience member by the hand, leads him on stage sits him down on the steps and then immediately walks away to sing the rest of the song.

Me: Who is this guy?
Aquino: I have no idea!
Brian: Why would she do that and then just walk away from him?

We're confused. To make matters more awkward, after Lauren's performance is over, they keep cutting to the guy who's now reclaimed his seat in the audience all through Lauren's critique. Ryan tries to make it better by bringing him back on stage (what?) and sitting down next to him. But then this happens:

Ryan: So how old are you Brett?

Subtext: Let's turn this weirdness into a nice little love connection with Lauren! This can be your meet cute.

Brett: [embarassed] Um, nineteen.

Subtext: That would be illegal and I want to die.

Yikes.

Thank goodness, we're saved by this week's tender moment with Steven Tyler:

Steven Tyler: You manifest the light. And when you do that, you become a dartboard for other's doubts and insecurities.

Minimal googling reveals this tender moment to be a direct quote from Steven's recently published memoir, Does the Noise in My Head Bother You? Hmmmm. We're trying to decide how to feel about that.

Haley Reinhart and Casey Abrams: The intro to this performance is basically Haley and Casey spouting sound bytes about how much they love and respect each other that could not be less enthusiastic. Their version of "I Feel the Earth Move" is equally unimpressive. What's weird is there's not enough harmony going on for a duet. Casey is predictably awesome on this kind of song, but Haley just sounds kind of awkward to me.

Steven Tyler: Hey weird beard--

God, we love Steven Tyler.

Brian: Why are they even doing a duet?
Aquino: I don't know. I've moved on.

Scotty McCreery: Ryan has nicknamed him "Scotty The Body," which makes us laugh and also lament Scotty's lack of muscle tone for the hundredth time.

Producer Jimmy's message to Scotty this week: stop being so boring. He's saying "deliver that subtlety" but he means "Your ass is always the same. Change it up." Whatever his methods, Producer Jimmy's advice seems to have hit home because Scotty's version of "You've Got a Friend" is weirdly awesome for us.

Me: Get it, Scotty! Oh my god, that's the first time I've ever said that to him.
Brian: Scotty came and he was different Scotty. I mean it was the same. It was Scotty, but like with a haircut or something so he seemed like a new Scotty.

The judges are loving it too, but we're momentarily distracted from their Scotty lovefest...

Aquino: I've never noticed that Steven Tyler's fingernails are kind of....freaky.

Brian and I have to rewind the DVR and pause it to deliver a verdict. It's true. They are kind of freaky.

Ryan's plugging James Durbin's performance and we all concentrate on stopping our upper lips from curling up in involuntary disgust.

Ryan: Don't miss the softer, gentler side of James Durbin.
Me: I don't want to see the softer gentler side.
Brian and Aquino: I don't want to see any side of James Durbin.
Brian: I want to see ass and elbows as he's running away from me.

James Durbin: Before James takes the stage, Ryan asks him to comment on Scotty's judge-lauded performance:

James Durbin: about a thousand times better than dress rehearsal.

Alright, this just in: James Durbin is also kind of an asshole.

Aquino: Is he getting fatter?
Me and Brian: Yes.
Brian: But somehow he thinks he's getting sexier, like in that episode of South Park where Cartman thinks he's getting ripped, but is actually just increasingly obese.

At some point during James' version of Will You Love Me Tomorrow?, I turned to Brian with a face that said: "I don't think we need to answer that do we?" and Brian smacked his own forehead with his palm.

Brian: It makes me want to hear Adam Lambert sing this.
Me: Right?
Aquino: Always.

What can we say, James Durbin? You're just not for us.

However, it would appear that the judges are completely not with us on this. Steven's taking about the first time he ever made out with a girl in a bowling alley. J.Lo's praising James' consistency and performance chops, blah, blah, blah. We all sort of tune out a little bit, but the next thing we know, Randy has rushed the stage and all but declared James the next American Idol...

photo: nydailynews.com

Randy, please. James starts to play his guitar over Ryan's wrap up, and Ryan pulls the plug from JD's guitar without missing a beat. Nobody puts Seacrest in a corner.

Scotty and Lauren: Truly, this might be the cutest intro video we have ever seen. The likability of Lauren and Scotty is a welcome salve for the wounds inflicted by James Durbin's ass-yness. Also, we always get excited about the Lauren/Scotty duets because honestly, it seems like Lauren sounds better when she's singing with Scotty. It's like she's able to let go a little bit more when the focus isn't totally on her.

That said, their version of Up On the Roof is not our favorite, but since we've seen them hit it out of the park on every one of their previous team-ups, we've decided to blame the song.

Casey Abrams: For his solo performance, Casey is singing "Hi De Ho," which sees like a good choice for him, but it's hard to focus on Casey when Babyface is accompanying him in the studio.

Me: Guys, Babyface is sexy when he plays the guitar.
Brian and Aquino: Agreed.

I've gotta say, I enjoy his whole blues-y Joe Cocker thing, I just prefer him behind his upright base as opposed to pacing around the stage with crazy eyes. Brian and Aquino are less convinced...

Aquino: I think I liked it. It started really great for me, then it got weird, and then it ended up okay, so overall thumbs up.
Brian: I was lukewarm on it. I needed more singing, less crazy.

And then there's this:

Steven Tyler: You made my scalp itch it was so good.

We enjoy the idea that Steven Tyler has some kind of musical sixth sense, like a knee that tells you when it rains.

A: Is there anyone left? [Pause] Oh.

Haley Reinhart: First of all, what is this headband?

Despite this inauspicious beginning, we actually had a semi-surprising reaction to Haley's version of "Beautiful."

Me: I can't believe I'm saying this, but I actually think this song is kind of right for her voice.
Aquino: I'm not hating it either.
Me: I just wish she wasn't wearing this skating-costume-meets-peasant-top....

photo: americanidol.com

Sadly, our good will is short lived...

Aquino: Yeah, I was sufficiently bored by the end-- Oh it's not over?
Me: Exactly.

Predictably, Steven does not agree...

Steven Tyler: I just saw God.
Aquino: Really Steven?

I think the take-away lesson here is that even with Haley at her absolute prime, our regard for her is at best fleeting as the inconstant moon.

James and Jacob: Alright, so the intro video to James and Jacob's duet is kind of amusing. But, then everything sort of goes wrong. It's hard to fully know what to say about this performance of "I'm Into Something Good." I feel like this series of comments really sums it up:

Brian: Am I on a cruise ship?
Seacrest: If you want to vote for Jennifer's legs the number is--
Me: What is happening right now?

Hard to believe, but I think our overall feeling about this week is that Scotty McCreery is the stand out performer. Who knew? However, based on this season's track record so far, we're not at all confident that America will see things our way. C'est la vie.

xo,
Lindy

So, Sue Me.

2011-04-28T12:59:00.002-04:00

Dear Phil,

For a second, I really thought it wasn't a thing anymore. That my embarrassing and somewhat inappropriate crush was just a fleeting, shameful phase like the time I had a crush on that guy who chewed tobacco. I really thought I might be over it. But I am not...

photo: mtv.com

Sigh. Just because I'm confessing this doesn't mean I'm not mortified about my love for this man-child. Because I am.

Head hung in shame,
Lindy

Tribeca Film Festival: Stuck Between Stations

2011-04-27T16:08:00.001-04:00

Dear Phil,

Last night Tim and I braved the rush line and squeaked our way into a Tribeca Film Festival screening. Did you ever hit up the TFF when you lived here? The actual tickets sell out pretty fast, so usually the only way to score a seat is to wait in the rush line 45 minutes before the screening starts and hope that a bunch of people with tickets don't show up. It's always really tragic when they run out of rush slots and you're the next one in line. Heartbreaking.

Thankfully, Tim and I got in right under the wire and snagged the last two spots available at the late screening of Stuck Between Stations...

First of all, what's up Josh Hartnett? Nice to see you...

photo: flixster.com

Where have you been anyway? I feel like I haven't seen you since that ill-advised cop/actor movie with Harrison Ford. Hang on, let me google it....Oh right, there was that movie with Rose Byrne and the girl from Inglorious Basterds where Rose Byrne painted her face like a geisha and tried to terrorize you, but seriously, that was in like 2004. What have you been doing with yourself? A quick scan of imdb reveals that you've been doing basically four things:

1. A few short films in which you played yourself and which I strongly suspect were shot by your buddies.

2. I Came After the Rain - a movie set in Hong Kong in which everyone in the cast and crew appears to be from Asia except you.

3. Bunraku - a movie that sounds like it should have an all-Asian cast, but doesn't.

4. A variety of indie films with impossibly film school-y titles (i.e. Girl Walks Into a Bar).

Regardless, it's good to see you back to doing what you do best: guy from Minnesota wearing a beanie. Which, coincidentally could also be a good title for a sequel to Girl Walks Into a Bar.

At first, Stuck Between Stations wasn't doing much for me. It was a bit slow and felt a little amateur-ish in the beginning. Particularly the first scene, which was basically thirty seconds of a long, single camera shot of the two characters staring into each other's eyes and mumbling indie dialogue ("It's like, [sigh] what if tonight is all there is..." etc). But after a while, things got rolling, the dialogue got better and the characters had a nice, easy chemistry together. Mostly, I just love watching movies that are made with no money, by unknown people that actually have something to say. There's something raw and exciting about them, like a kind of for-the-love-of-the-game passion that can't help but seep through.

That said, don't get me wrong. I also love big, ridiculous blockbusters as much as the next person (T-minus 2 days until Fast Five).

xo,
Lindy

American Idol Week Seven: Songs From Two Seconds Ago

2011-04-25T14:26:00.006-04:00

Dear Phil,

This week, Ryan introduces the contestants and we cut to various shots of the crowd going crazy. Brian, Aquino and I find ourselves particularly annoyed by a sign that says "James = Rock."

Brian: NOT.

Before we launch into the actual performances, the producers decide to break with tradition and trot out all the eliminated contestants to sing a song together and get the party started. We're all a tad weirded out since this is the kind of thing that would normally be relegated to a results show, but we're so glad to see Pia back that we almost don't care. Since all the contestants that have been eliminated thus far are girls except for one, the girls come out in force stomping the stage and pumping their fists to Pink's "So What" -- a song that in this context is perhaps meant to be tongue in cheek, but feels more pathetic than anything else. For us the low point is easily the last half of the song when Paul comes out wearing the SAME BEDAZZLED SUIT that played such a pivotal role in his demise. In fairness, he does try to join in the stage stomping, but since this particular song is nowhere near his wheelhouse, it just comes off kind of spazzy and weird. There's also an unfortunate camera angle capturing a shot of Paul's crotch just as he does a sort of repeat-thrust-dry-humping move. At one point, Pia has to actually take Paul by the hand to lead him through the rest of the choreography. Overall, the whole thing is pretty awkward what with Paul and the ever-present spectre of the SUIT, and the fact that Karen is dressed like Sandy at the end of Grease...

photo: haveyouheard.net

Let's get to the top seven...

Scotty McCreery: The best thing about Scotty's performance tonight is easily his intro video which essentially boils down to all the other contestants making fun of the way Scotty holds his microphone.

Scotty: Who doesn't want to hold their mic like a flute?

Who indeed. Truth be told, I actually really enjoyed Scotty this week. I mean, his music is probably never going to be my personal cup of tea, but at least his version of Leann Rimes' "Swingin'" inspired him to actually move around the stage in a way that felt more natural and less like he's posing for a candid photo shoot c. 1995. That said, the judges aren't as psyched about it as I am.

J.Lo: I think it's time for you to pull out the big guns.

Funny, we've also expressed concern in the past about the size of Scotty's guns. Aquino's bored. Brian's annoyed by the step-touch brass section, and we ultimately settle on a sort of neutral, ho-hum reaction.

Pause for a commercial break in which Jordin Sparks is plugging her new song from the soundtrack of Disney's African Cats.

Me: Why can't Jordin Sparks get some better songwriters?
Aquino: Exactly. Like who wrote "Bleeding Love"?

Pause as we have our minds blown by the fact that Bleeding Love was, in fact, written by Jesse McCartney.

James Durbin: James' intro video includes footage of him in yet another tank top, and this soundbyte from Kasey:

Kasey: What's up with the scarf in your pocket James Durbin? Stop it.

And with that, we all kind of want to kiss Kasey on the mouth. James sings a Muse songs and screams a lot. We're bored.

Haley Reinhart: It's hard to have anything left to say about Haley at this point. I feel like our hatred of her is well documented. In fairness, she does look pretty tonight, but I hardly care...

As soon as it becomes clear that Haley is singing Adele's "Rolling in the Deep" I have to leave the room for a second. Seriously, Adele's new album, 21, is amazing as a whole, but "Rolling in the Deep" is a once-in-a-career type of song -- read: best not to mess with it unless you can do something drastically different and add something to it rather than subtracting. But really, the best Haley can hope for is to deliver a withered shadow of the original.

Aquino: I don't even care enough to say anything bad.
Me: I couldn't be more angry at her.
Brian: [disgusted sigh]

Jacob Lusk: Thank God, Jacob's wardrobe is back to awesome with his shiny suit. He's singing "Dance With my Father" by Luther Vandross this week, which plunges Aquino and I into a two-part flash argument about a) whether or not it's a good idea for a contestant to sing a song by the iconic artist to whom they are often compared (poor Karen ran afoul of this trap in week one), and b) whether or not "Here and Now" would've been a better choice.

Producer Jimmy is strangely endearing during Jacob's intro video when he reveals that like Jacob, he too lost his father at a young age, and well...bless his heart. Sadly, Jacob's whole performance seems a little thrown off by the fact that the American Idol sound team is apparently playing drums in his earpiece (Where's Marc Anthony when you need him?). Jacob recovers and finishes strong, but the judges aren't really feeling it and neither is Brian.

Brian: I feel disappointed in Jacob.
Me: I don't. I want to take him home with me and hold him in my arms.
Brian: I just want that strong black girl I know is in there to come out and shine.

Randy is totally with Brian on this. Bring it back to awesome, Jacob. We know you can.

Kasey Abrams: At first, we're kind of excited when we hear Kasey is singing a Maroon Five song because to be honest, we think he might actually have a better voice than Adam Levine, and also, that whole swinging, throwback-yet-updated vibe that Songs About Jane had going on is totally Kasey's bag. That said, we're a little nervous about the fact that he's chosen Harder to Breathe, the angriest song on the album given the crazy-eyes-Nirvana-incident of week two...

photo: mtv.com

We don't really like Angry Kasey and neither do the judges. Our anxiety notwithstanding, the song actually starts off kind of great -- slow and mellow, and less in-your-face than the original -- but builds it's rock 'n roll energy as it progresses. It's certainly not perfect -- there are a few appearances of Angry Kasey and some very strange wandering around the stage that feels awkward, but overall it's way better than we thought it was going to be. That said, when Kasey wraps up the song at the judges' table and steals a kiss from Jennifer Lopez Brian has to leave the room. J.Lo seems into it...

J.Lo: Kasey got soft lips!

Brian and Aquino are searching for anti-nausea medication. Ryan's wearing a fake beard (perhaps to mourn the Grizzly Adams Kasey of yore) and looking strangely like former President Abraham Lincoln (may he rest in peace).

Ryan: So this is what it's like to be man.

Wow.

Stefano Langone:

Brian: Oh my god, I think Stefano's trying to sleep with me right now.
Me: Yeah, I kind of bought the sex right there.
Aquino: I didn't know he had that in him.

During the intro video, Producer Jimmy told Stefano in no uncertain terms that he better start sexing it up if he intends to stick around. Stefano seems to have taken those words to heart and is cocking eyebrows and crotch-thrusting for all he's worth during his performance of Ne-Yo's "Closer."

photo: manila-paper.net

Brian and Aquino are losing their minds which makes me think that Stefano could kill it in a stadium of gay men.

Lauren Alaina: Producer Jimmy is backpedaling on the whole Miley Cyrus issue. He claims he only said that Miley is crap to motivate Lauren and give her a much-needed ego boost. This week Lauren is singing "Born to Fly" by Sara Evans.

For the record, Aquino sent me the following text four weeks ago: "I want Lauren to sing 'Born to Fly' by Sara Evans." American Idol is obviously monitoring our texts, friends. Big Brother is real.

Sadly, Lauren's performance isn't quite the slam dunk that Aquino was hoping for. Why, for the love of belting, will Lauren not just let loose? It seems to us that she actually has the opposite problem to Haley. Haley thinks her voice is better than it actually is and Lauren sells herself short -- the result being that neither one of them is delivering standing-O worthy performances. Sigh.

The judges are totally with us on this, which brings us to this week's tender moment with Steven Tyler:

Steven Tyler: Anybody who doesn't know they can fail is bound to win.

Maybe it's the fact that I've had a full mason jar of Diet Coke, but it takes me several seconds to figure out what that means. Also, I'm having a hard time reconciling this new wilting flower Lauren with the Lauren we saw singing Don't Want to Miss a Thing in the Grand Ole Opry.

Randy: Remember in Nashville when you and Steven were singing back and forth? I want to get back to that...

This just in: Randy and I have a psychic connection.

Week Seven in a nutshell: Jacob and Lauren have been reading the blogs and the haters have gotten in their heads. Yet, Haley and James seem strangely blog-hater immune. Sigh.

xo,
Lindy

New Music Monday: Fangbanger

2011-04-18T16:08:00.002-04:00

Dear Phil,
If I were asked to list my top five favorite places to go in all of New York City, they would be (in no particular order):

1. BAM Rose Cinema
2. Home Ec/Flirt
3. Olea
4. The Strand
5. Rockwood Music Hall

Rockwood Music Hall is basically a bar/performance space on the Lower East Side where local (or sometimes not so local) musicians play free shows. Every night they have different artists playing one hour sets back to back. I first started going to Rockwood whenever friends of mine were doing a show. But after a while, the vibe was so great that I just started going to hang out and hear whoever happened to be playing.

photo: songkick.com

For a while, my friend Erica (Spanish tutor and indie music aficianado also known as Silentkillerica) and I used to go once a week to hang out in the bar and practice our Spanish and then wander next door to the stage to listen to a couple of sets. The Rockwood stage has introduced me to several artists that I would now count among my favorites (most notably, Gaby Moreno and Nate Campany ), and even when the performer du jour is not my particular cuppa, I always leave feeling great just having been there. However, every once in a while Rockwood goes above and beyond and delivers a gem -- case in point: last night's 10pm show with Fangbanger...

Yes, that is Norah Jones on the left taking the stage with Sasha Dobson and Catherine Popper in their girl band collaboration: Fangbanger. Seriously people, I could totally die of happiness. First of all, was I not just bemoaning the lack of badass all-girl bands for the new millennium and the Heart-shaped hole in my....er, heart? Admittedly, Fangbanger is a little more whiskey-drinking cowgirl blues than 80's power anthems, but I like to think rocker chicks come in all shades. Second, in addition to being impossibly talented (and HOT), these ladies had such an easy, fun comraderie on stage that made the whole thing feel a little like a love fest. Silentkillerica and I were totally beside ourselves.

xo,
Lindy

American Idol Week Six: Soundtrack Songs

2011-04-15T16:55:00.005-04:00

Dear Phil,

Alright, so we've had a week to recover from the untimely demise of Pia, and truthfully we're still not over it (frankly, I can't even type "Pia" without sticking out my lower lip involuntarily).

Aquino: I miss Pia.
Me: Me too.

To assuage our grief, we queue up the DVR and fast forward to Pia's rendition of "River Deep, Mountain High" from last week...

Me: Okay, first of all, what is this outfit?
Aquino: Oh, I know, and I think it was intentional. Gwen Stefani did my girl wrong.
Me: I think it's possible Pia went home because of this romper.
Aquino: (shakes his head) Gwen Stefani.

Clearly, we need to rally and summon a more hopeful mood. Maybe movie soundtrack week will snap us out of the doldrums...

The judges make their appearance, and for the first time this season, we all raise a collective eyebrow at J.Lo's outfit...Okay, I can't find a picture of it right now, but basically it was a gold brocade mini dress with a strange poof of white tulle attached over her crotch in a seemingly random, yet unfortunate way. Sorry, J.Lo. It was a miss this time.

Paul McDonald -- The thing is, Paul lied to us. He promised -- PROMISED -- he would retire that embroidered rose suit of yore two weeks ago after trotting it out three separate times. He promised and we took him at his word, and now look -- tonight he is wearing the EXACT SAME suit in black...

photo: americanidol.com

If anything, this version is worse because he's paired it with a red silk ascot. Paul, Paul, Paul. We like you. We do. But, I fear you are going home this week for two reasons: First, you wore that suit. Second, you are the first to perform tonight, which means by the time we get to the voting all people will remember about your performance was the SUIT. C'est la vie, Paul. We tried to tell you.

Lauren Alaina -- Let's just get this out there: Lauren's performance is preceded by what is easily the most awkward intro video since the Adam Lambert/Randy Travis homophobia fest of 2009. There are basically two things that make it uncomfortable:

1. Producer Jimmy and Will.i.am trashing Miley Cyrus: "You have a WAY better voice than Miley. Seriously, if ANYONE thinks you don't sing this song a hundred times better than Miley Cyrus (makes a slashing motion across his throat)."

His laugh says he's joking but his eyes say he's not. Brian, Aquino and I look at each other and our faces are all saying the same thing: Producer Jimmy will totally cut a bitch. Cut to Lauren looking mortified....

2. Producer Jimmy encouraging Lauren to "steal" the votes of the fallen Pia. Cut to Lauren looking vexed...

This one is both awkward and perplexing since, to our knowledge, you can't actually steal anyone's votes. Will.i.am tries to make Jimmy's candor more palatable, but ends up with what may be the weirdest soundbyte in the history of this show...

Will.i.am: Whatchoo talking about, steal?! You can make 'em little cupcakes. Little spaghettis and stuff. Do it that way.

Whaaaaat?? What does that mean, Will.i.am? Best to move on...

Even aside from the abysmally clunky mid-song key change, Lauren's performance of "The Climb" is actually kind of disappointing for me. Just because I object to Producer Jimmy's lack of tact doesn't mean that I think he's wrong about Lauren being a better vocalist than Miley Cyrus. By all rights, Lauren should've blown the roof off the place with her version, but that didn't really happen.

Me: The thing is, I saw Hannah Montana: The Movie in the theater--

Pause as Brian and Aquino raise an eyebrow each.

Me: I know, I know! But that's not the point right now. The point is, even though Miley's voice sucks, at least she gives it her all in that song. I felt like Lauren should've blown it away, but didn't. There was no energy really.
Aquino: I think I just hate this song.
Brian: Agreed.

Regardless, Lauren's performance did bring us this week's tender moment with Steven Tyler:

Steven Tyler: You moved me beyond tears.

Apparently, "moved beyond tears" looks exactly the same as his regular face.

Stefano Langone -- Stefano's segment starts off a little rough as well: Ryan's probing him with questions about Pia's departure and his own guilt, Producer Jimmy's talking about Stefano getting his proverbial ass kicked by last week's genre, Will.i.am's muttering about Stefano's agony, and Stefano's shrugging his shoulders and looking into the camera as though to say, "I'm just trying to live."

Stefano's singing "End of the Road" by Boyz II Men, and to be honest, I am worried. Wanyá Morris has one of the greatest R&B voices ever, no? And "End of the Road" might be his greatest performance of all time. It's just hard to believe that Stefano can even hope to compare. Brian and Aquino are less worried, but still not sold on Stefano's whole thing...

Brian: Why does his shirt fit so loose?
Aquino: Why can't he just perform shirtless?
Me: I'm worried.

Truthfully, I'm mostly right. In spite of a valiant effort by Stefano, his version of "End of the Road" never really had a chance of comparing to the original. We're predicting bottom three for Stefano, but he may have been granted a reprieve from actual elimination by Paul's bedazzled rose suit of death.

Scotty McCreery -- I'm just going to say it: I'm ready for Scotty to go home. Not because he's not great, but because he's ready. He's always does versions of songs exactly as he would do them on his album and performs exactly as he would at his concert, so it's like, why not just go get to it?

Aquino: The crick-in-his-neck thing he does when he's singing is really starting to get to me.
Me: I'd want to keep him around more if I thought there was even a slight chance that I might buy his album.

Scotty's version of "I Cross My Heart" by George Straight is fine, but predictable. Go home, Scotty. Time to get on with the business of becoming a major country recording artist and selling a signature line of cowboy boots and any number of other absurd promotional items. Speaking of which, look what we found on ebay...

photo: ebay.com

Kasey Abrams -- None of us can really decide if we're relieved or disappointed to see Kasey looking slightly less schlubby and beard-y tonight...

The main issue is that it's hard to decide if Kasey's idiosyncrasies and trembling fits come off less or more weird when he looks like this. Does the appearance of normalcy actually make the weirdness more pronounced? Hard to say.

There''s a debate happening between Kasey, Will.i.am and Producer Jimmy about whether Kasey should sing "Nature Boy" by Nat King Cole or "In the Air Tonight" by Phil Collins. The producers want "In the Air Tonight," Kasey decides on "Nature Boy." The truth is, our DVR cut out for about fifteen seconds during the middle of Kasey's performance, so we're feeling a little disconnected from the judges' standing ovation. However, we all like Kasey enough to accept that whatever we missed in those fifteen seconds made it awesome.

J.Lo's warning America that they'd all better vote for Kasey, which makes us nervous. After all, if we've learned anything from the Pia debacle it's that America doesn't like to be told what to do.

Randy's reminding us all that he, Randy, is an artist too, and as such he knows that the world needs artists in addition to pop stars. Aquino is offended and spends the remainder of the critique listing pop stars who also count as artists.

The judges' praise starts to get a tad effusive. Kasey's freaking out again and I'm uncomfortable. Let's move on to Haley...

Haley Reinhart -- Frankly, we all get irritated before Haley's performance even begins because we're all tired of her singing songs by iconic girl rockers like she's one of them. She isn't.

photo: americanidol.com

Case in point: tonight she's singing "Call Me" by Blondie.

Producer Jimmy: Haley needs to transform herself not into Debbie Harry, but into a personality as powerful as Debbie Harry.
Aquino: Impossible.

Haley makes a telephone gesture with her hand when she sings "call me" and Brian throws up his hands in disgust. We're not feeling her outfit either, but Steven Tyler doesn't agree:

Steven Tyler: I like that thing you have on.
Aquino: Maybe on you.

Jacob Lusk -- Jacob seems a little subdued this week not least because he's wearing all beige...

photo: americanidol.com

Brian: I think it's because he read too many blogs with people calling him a lady.
Aquino: (shaking his head at Jacob) You on tv! You didn't know people were gonna be saying that?
Me: No, I think he feels embarrassed because he got sassy with America about his performance last week and they put him in the bottom two. So now he's sad and humbled.

Regardless, I'm actually loving Jacob's performance of Simon and Garfunkel's "Bridge Over Troubled Water" even though my mom called me earlier and warned me that Jacob was the worst tonight. Sorry, mom. You are wrong. He's awesome. When he hits the finally three notes, I put my arms in the air to make the touchdown sign. We're all shouting our encouragement to the TV in hopes that Jacob will hear us.

James Durbin: James is wearing -- I kid you not -- a tank top. Jimmy and Will.i.am want James to do a better song. James tells them to kiss his ass and entreats America to give metal a chance.

Brian: It's not the metal that sucks. It's you. I hate you. There's no way to make it better.

I'll say this: I too hate James for reasons that I can't fully explain, but I can't deny that like Miley Cyrus, he does give it his all in this performance, and it's to the point where I almost-but-not-quite enjoy it. I know, I can't believe I said that either.

We end the night with a somewhat masochistic debate about what movie soundtrack song Pia would've chosen:

Aquino: I Will Always Love You. Done.
Me: You know what would've been more awesome? Queen of the Night! In spike-heeled boots and a black top with cutouts? (I sing a few bars punctuated by fist pumps for good measure).

A bit of googling reveals some semi-legit speculation that Pia was rehearsing "My Heart Will Go On."

Aquino: OMG. Why didn't we say that first? We are idiots.

Sigh. Farewell, Pia.

xo,
Lindy

Elvis and Anabelle

2011-04-06T14:12:00.011-04:00

Dear Phil,

When we were in high school and later college, my friend Ben and I had a theory that there were infinite movies out there that fell into a category we dubbed "diamonds among the rough." It was these movies that we scavenged for and sought out -- movies that, once uncovered amongst the detritus of obscure box office failures and straight-to-dvd releases, would be revealed as jewels that had been passed over due to some cruelty of fate and circumstance. It was our belief that if we scoured the shelves of Blockbuster for unsung B-movie heroes and dedicated ourselves to the task, we would find these elusive gems that had been so callously cast away and hidden until such time as we should come looking. Our quest was not always successful, and led us to sit though, for example, The Forsaken: Desert Vampires and other barely watchable monstrosities, but there was something about the thrill of finally happening upon a truly great movie in the midst of so much inconsequence that made the whole practice totally worth it.

Even though it's been eight years since we graduated from college, this practice of seeking out gems among the obscure has stuck with me and evidence of it can be found in a single glance at my Netflix queue. Fast forward to last night and the aforementioned thrill I felt watching a movie called Elvis and Anabelle...

photo: tryingtofindthewords.tumblr.com

Seriously, this movie is lovely. I could totally watch it again right now. How is it possible that I hadn't even heard of it before? Some quick research reveals that it was screened at SXSW in 2007 and never got an official theater release. Apparently, it was later shown on Lifetime and released on DVD. Well, there you go. Guess I haven't been keeping up on my television for women.

In a nutshell, this film is about a young mortician from Coward, TX played by Max Minghella who falls in love with the town pageant queen played by Blake Lively (Question: Why is Blake Lively so much more awesome in things that are not Gossip Girl? On GG, I find her annoying and somewhat insipid, but in other things -- The Town, Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants, etc -- she alternates between quirky, funny and heartbreaking. Truly, it baffles me). Supporting cast includes Joe Montegna as MM's aging father...

photo: utexas.edu

And Mary Steenbergen as the pageant queen's overbearing, semi-abusive mother...

photo: austin360.com

Raise your hand if you think Joe Montegna is underrated. Yes! I do too! He's awesome, no? My favorite of JM's roles will always be his turn in Searching for Bobby Fisher, but his performance in this movie was more risky and affecting. Mary Steenbergen is always best for me in these trashy small town roles (she was easily the best part of the otherwise regrettable Did You Hear About the Morgans?).

In my mind, Elvis and Anabelle is everything a simple love story should be -- sweet and romantic (without feeling saccharine or twee) with just the right amount of edge...

photo: imdb.com

How do movies this good slip through the cracks and fall into obscurity, and yet movies like, say, The Bounty Hunter make 106 million dollars? Sigh. Hollywood is a fickle mistress.

Since I've admittedly been doing a fair bit of gushing, I feel I should say in the spirit of unbiased critique and general fairness, that there may be a few factors that contributed to my good time with this movie that don't have directly to do with it's cinematic prowess:

1. My unrequited love affair with Max Minghella...

It's difficult to say exactly why my crush on MM runs so deep. I believe that it's primarily to do with the voice. And then there's, you know, the handsome. But more than that, I really enjoy the way he seems to be so interesting and thoughtful in his selection of roles. His movies range from the comedic to the epic to the mainstream, but always with a little added nuance -- something that sets them apart from more traditional offerings. Perhaps it could be argued that having an Oscar-winning director for a father affords one the luxury to be more selective in their gigs, to take more risks, etc. That may be partially true, but I think we can also agree that a famous parent can be both a blessing and a curse when it comes to making one's own way. Plus, you know how some people are just really interesting to watch on screen? John Cusack, Kevin Spacey, Marion Cotillard, Emma Watson -- it's that x-factor thing that you can't quite pinpoint but is always there. MM has it, I think. (Also, I mentioned the voice, right?) He's one of the few people that I'm obsessed enough with to watch their entire oeuvre. Repeatedly. Not unlike Jay Hernandez in that way.*

2. Who can resist a small town Texas love story? Not Me. See: my passionate devotion to Friday Night Lights. True Story: I've always secretly wanted to take a spring break-style road trip to South Padre Island. Who's in?

3. The scenes in which MM is embalming corpses made me feel strangely nostalgic for Six Feet Under (RIP).

xo,
Lindy

*Regardless of how obscure or ridiculous the findings might be therein (see: the time I made Javi watch 112 minutes of Nomad: The Warrior dubbed in Kazakh).

T-Minus 3 Weeks Until Fast Five

2011-04-05T13:53:00.003-04:00

Dear Phil,

Anyone who is not excited about the upcoming April 29 release of Fast Five is either a) a liar or b) a hater of fun...

photo: insidemovies.ew.com

Come ON. Vin Diesel and Paul Walker balancing on car doors, setting off unnecessary explosions and making the world safe for international drug trafficking? If there's a better way to spend two hours, I don't want to know about it. Not convinced? Let's watch the trailer shall we...

Okay, several things:

1. Han is still alive? Because, awesome.

2. I hate Tyrese. He's the worst. I will never, ever forgive Vin Diesel for bailing out on 2 Fast 2 Furious and leaving me with such a insubstantial replacement. True story: In college, my friend Ray worked for a radio station and took me to an all-day concert at the Rose Bowl that featured, among others, Tyrese. Nobody enjoyed it. I'm pretty sure there was booing. Ray says he doesn't remember the booing, but whatever. At one point, Tyrese tried to stay on the stage for an un-requested encore and the Rose Bowl people said no. Tyrese made it awkward by appealing to the audience to cheer for an encore. No one did. Yikes. My vote is we kill off Tyrese during the first five minutes of Fast Five and miraculously resurrect Michelle Rodriguez in his place.

3. Did Justin Lin direct this thing? Hang on, I'm looking it up....Indeed he did. Justin Lin is totally making a career out of the Fast and Furious franchise. Not unlike Paul Walker in that way.

4. Is it okay for Vin Diesel and Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson to share the screen together? Is there such a thing as too much muscle-y baldness? Discuss.

It's my personal mission to find a theater showing the first four movies in an all day marathon leading up to the Fast Five release. This is happening somewhere -- possibly my living room.

xo,
Lindy